Pakistan Cricket's Woes Continue

'How the Mighty have fallen.'The words of a Pakistani Cricket Team supporter after they lost to Afghanistan in the Asian Games cricket event.

Though many feel that this loss to Afghanistan was at behest of the Pakistan Cricket Board(PCB) as goodwill gesture for appointing Rashid Latif,the former Pakistan wicketkeeper as their coach,for with his English and Cricketing skills,he would have starved to death otherwise,many feel it was another example of the pathetic state of the Pakistan Cricket Team.

The past 2 years has seen them lose, 10 of 19 and 26 of 38 of their Tests and ODIs respectively.The only saving grace believed to be the T20 world cup win in 2009.

But the real downfall started in 2002,when 6 suspected HUJI terrorists failed in their plot to kidnap Indian cricketers,Sachin Tendulkar and Saurav Ganguly.

A source from PISS(Pakistan International Sportsmen Society),on condition of anonimity told us,"Unlike what the Indian authorities believe that the two would have been ransomed in exchange of jailed terrorists,Pakistan would have given citizenship to the two and asked them to play for us.This plot was formulated by our smartest cricketer,Shoaib Malik,who has an IQ of 31".Incidentially,his batting average is higher than his IQ.

Many also blame this failed bid to kidnap the two Indian stars as the reason for spot-fixing scandal that has plagued the Pak cricket team.Sir Illaiya Nunnuswami,a British lawyer associated with CRAB(Cricketers Regularly Accused of Betting) told us in a matter-of-fact tone,"Had this plot succeeded,who knows how much money PCB would have made.There would have been no need for players to indulge in spot-fixing.After all,Sachin's yearly income would be way higher than the Market Capitalisation of all the companies on Karachi Stock Exchange put together"

Mohammed Amir,the 18-year-old pace sensation,who was in the eye of the storm during the spot-fixing scandal sounded disappointed,"After the publicity that Kasab got,even terrorists from my village were getting higher wages than our international cricketers.What would you have me do,throw no-balls or hand grenades?"

A source close to the team said,"Bismillah-al-Rehman-al-Rahim.Sabse pehle Allah taala ka shukriya karunga.Boys aajkal bahut maayus hain.Aur vo jaun se serial mein Veena Malik ko 'Aaashmit Aaashmit' karte dekh ke toh janaab khoon khaul jaata hai.Bechara Asif.Boys itni achchi performance dete hain,us begairat aurat se zaada achchi acting karte hain,phir bhi unki thoo-thoo hoti hai.Boys ki khwahish hai ki wo ek Hollywood movie mein act karein.Insha-Allah,we bounce back!".

There are unconfirmed reports that M.Night Shyamalan,whose directorial ventures have just been falling apart like the Pakistani Team,has been approached by Shoaib Akhtar to direct a movie with him as the lead and Virender Sehwag as his nemesis.

There has also been discontent over the PCB banning Twitter and Facebook for Pakistani cricketers.Nilofer Bano,chairperson PETA(Pakistan English Teachers' Association),was pretty much outraged,"I myself know of 3 cricketers who have spent their whole annual income to learn English so that they can Tweet without shame.Is this the way PCB would encourage the spirit of learning and considering how less they play these days,they need Facebook for timepass,don't they?!"

But there is hope that all is not lost yet,the Pakistani Team is embarking on a tour of Newzealand to face the Black Caps who were beaten black and blue by Bangladesh and India(4-0 and 5-0 respectively) recently.Waqar Younis,the current Pakistani Coach before embarking on this tour,said,"This is the best possible preparation we can have for the World Cup 2011".No one could disagree with him on that one!

Shorelines..

We are shorelines,
Lost between the sea and the land,
Building castles of our future,
with our past that is like the abundant sand.

Let's talk about you and me,
Similar but for just one difference,
We are shorelines,just opposite each other,
Seperated by a sea of silence.

Or did we choose to be what we are?
Maybe at one time,we weren't as far away,
Probably love can still bridge us,
but this silence drowns everything we say.

Each moment,this sea will erode us a bit more,
and the space between us would grow,
That sometime you'll end up being beyond my vision,
is something I realised a while ago.

So let the waves of time carry and bury,
everything that we shared in the depths of this sea,
And as I look at two parallel lines,
I smile as I am reminded of you and me.

Cause' even though it is only at infinity,
parallel lines end up meeting too,
And if you promise on trying to get there,
I'll be there somehow,waiting for you.


Last serious one for some time to come!

The Perfect World..

I am not a visionary,neither am I blessed with any extra sensory perception.Yet,I see things differently,a way which might offend you.

The Sun is Yellow to You,it isn't to me;Snow is White to You,it isn't to me.

They say I hallucinate;well,what is a hallucination?It is defined as perception of something despite the absence of stimuli.I have a question,when there is no light,you perceive darkness;is that a hallucination?When there is no sound,you feel the silence,is that a hallucination too?Or for that matter,the happiness or sadness you sometimes feel for no apparent reason,would you be comfortable,if I called that,a hallucination?

Yes,I stand in minority.I doubt if any of you would concur with my view of reality.To me reality,is what I can and wish to see and isn't it better that way?To me,nothing seems hideous,the flowers are always in bloom,people are always smiling.

I always believed that a person ends up seeing more than he needs to in life and that is the cause of all his misery,well,I am free of that curse!

When I told all this to people initially,I knew they shook their head in disbelief thinking,"Probably he has lost his mind in the accident",some probably laughed too,a couple were humane enough to touch my arm with sympathy,like I was somebody on a deathbed.

And even now,I know you don't believe me but it's fine,really,I mean it,for I might too sometimes find it hard to believe what someone has to tell me.

"Get up!It's time for you to take your evening walk,take your walking stick"."And there is nobody sitting around you,so stop talking to yourselves,you are blind not crazy!".

I do suffer these breaks in my reality,you know,how I hate them!Even though I am blind,I know,the world is only what you make of it,nothing more,nothing less.Fortunately,for me it's much easier to construct my perfect world,all I have to do is close my eyes and escape this wretched darkness.

Hitch-Hiker

The sun refused to rise,
Fearing that it would drown,
in the darkness that envelopes me,
behind,besides,beyond,all around.

Mocked by happiness each day,
Estranged for long from satisfaction,
My smiles reek of cynicism and contempt,
My only acquaintances unanswered questions.

Even raindrops bruise me,
Silence pierces my ears,
Abandoned by all I cared for,
Surrounded by my fears.

I drive on the Highway of Hopelessness,
& my failures like milestones gleam,
I try evading the potholes of reality,
trying to save my fragile dreams.

There she stood in the dust and heat,
trying to hitch-hike a ride,
& despite Loneliness already being my companion,
I made a stop at her side.

She looked battered and broken,
with tattered clothes her body adorned,
And yet her eyes were full of dreams,
and on her lips there was a song.

She hopped in without a word,
Like a lost friend from times gone,
She made me smile when I was unhappy,
& when tired,she took to driving me on.

Then one day we made it out,
Leaving behind that forsaken land,
I asked her for her name & she said it was Hope,
& then I always travelled with her,she holding my hand.

Gayalalitha tops Maxim-um's Hot 100

Photos simply for representative purposes

Beauty Magazine Maxim-um is out with its Annual Hot 100 list and the results are more than simply surprising.It has voted South Indian Siren,Gayalalitha as Sexiest Indian Woman Alive.Shocked?There's more of it,following Gayalalitha,North Indian politician,Kayawati is at the 2nd position while Samta Banerjee rounds up the Top 3.

"For long beauty has been simply associated with fair-skinned women with svelte figures.We are out there to change that perception".So says Illaiya Nunnuswami,Editor of the South Asian Edition of Maxim-um.

Ms.Gayalalitha,winner of the 1999 Fat-Hags Mega Model Hunt(the organizers wanted us to specify that Mega in the Title didn't denote the size of the contestants),was elated."This is a slap in the face of that old bozo Varunanidhi,I openly challenge him to make it to this list of Hot 100 Women".

Last heard,Varunanidhi,Gayalalitha's evergreen political opponent,was discussing the possible complications that could arise from him undergoing a sex-change operation at 85 years of age.

Kundirajan,an emotional supporter of Gayalalitha couldn't contain himself."She has been having a tough time;with Namitha Kapoor working in Tamil movies,even Amma's original title of 'Thunder Thighs' was stolen from her.This title is perhaps the only voting where she has won in the past 10 years",he says while wiping a tear with his lungi.

Gayalalitha has replaced Kim Kardashian and Guddi Maruti as the new Ambassador for Anti-anorexia campaigns by the World Health Organization,who will have 'Thin Isn't In" as their theme for the year 2011.

Across the length of the nation,in Uttar Pradesh,Kayawati emphasized that this was expected,"To be honest,I should have been numero uno.Meri is vifalta ke peeche kuch Manuwadi Shaktiyon ka haath hai".

Sculptors in UP were extremely happy,"After the SC decision on stopping expenditure on Behenji's statues,things were a bit slow,but now we are getting a lot of orders,specially of Behenji standing in the Marilyn Monroe pose over a blower and some in swimsuits too",said Chuttan Lal,who has worked on 1000 Behenji sculptures earlier.

Naini Pandey,a student at Lucknow University,emphatically told us,"Behenjis can be hot!Move over Bipashas and Katrinas!"

In West Bengal though,the celebrations were muted,supporters were extremely unhappy over Samta Di falling behind,Chunni Sankipadhayaya,visibly agitated,told us,"It is all the conspiracy of those Bata people,just because Samta Di prefers Lakhani chappals to their brand and that we didn't allow their factory in Singur".On reminding him,that it was Tata and not Bata,the gentleman was shocked,"What?!I protested thinking it was Bata because their useless chappals don't last one damned monsoon and aren't even good enough to throw at people.My MBA degree(Management of Bandh and Andolans) was a waste!"

But despite her disappointment at ending up at the 3rd position,there is a silver lining for Samta Banerjee.She has been approached for 'Ugly and Pagli 2',where she'll be playing both Ugly as well as Pagli.

Women all over the country are now obsessed with attaining a Size One-Zero-Zero.Kareena Kapoor,leading Bollwood actress was gushing with relief,"Blessed be these women!Now finally I can start eating like a human again and stop yapping that it was simply Yoga behind my size zero."

Gym Owners too are happy,"Unlike all body structures,a Size One-Zero-Zero is easy to attain as well as maintain,so you don't have to go through the grind like you have to for say,a 6-pack".

Vijay Mallya,proud owner of UB group as well as of a beer-belly,has been quick to jump on the bandwagon and has approached Gayalalitha,Kayawati and Samta Banerjee to feature on this year's King-SizedFisher Calender.

Illaiya Nunnuswami played down the hype with these words of wisdom,"Remember that trends are fickle.At one time,bell-bottoms were cool,people believed Dino Morea could act,even Rakhi Sawant was a rage,now she simply stays enraged.Yes,size does matter,be it zero or one-zero-zero,but what matters more is what you feel about yourself!".Alas,only if we had such brains behind all fashion magazines!

Protests at Indian High Commission, Director Shankar attacked in London after Robot Premier!

While the movie Robot opened in Indian theatres to rave reviews and packed audience, things aren’t as rosy in the United Kingdom.

At the premier of Robot, Director Shankar was lucky to escape unhurt after certain unidentified men threw Rajnikanth-hairstyle wigs filled with nariyal chatni at him. The attackers escaped yelling the slogan,"Down with Chitty! Down with Shankar!".Chitty being the name of the Robot in the movie.

Though some claim this might have been orchestrated by vested interests in Hollywood who are scared of Rajnikanth capturing the market of Sci-Fi movies like Terminator and Transformers Series,Grande Floppe, the Director of the next movie in the Terminator franchisee had this to say, "We are in talks with Rajni Sir to play the lead and are planning to shoot in Chennai".Inside sources suggest, the movie will be titled ‘Auto-Terminator’ where Rajnikanth would play a Robot which kills errant auto-drivers.

There are also reports that this might have been the handiwork of BALD(Baldies Association of London District) activists who have been protesting Rajnikanth wearing a wig in his movies.Vin Diesel,star of movies like XXX, Fast and The Furious and a BALD promoter, remarked, "I got my first break because of support from BALD and I look forward to the day when an Indian movie features bald men as heroes and not just villains, so we won’t be doing something of the sort which furthers this cliché of us baldies being baddies"

The mystery behind this attack solved itself this morning, when activists from a group named RETARD(Radical Eelam Tigers Association for Rajnikanth Devotees), held a protest march which ended with demonstrations at Indian High Commission. Illaiya Nunnuswami, secretary, RETARD, took the responsibility for these attacks,here is what he had to say:

Jhakki Journalist:"Sir,u seem to be a Rajnikanth fan,why are you against the movie?"

Illaiya Nunnusawami:"Did you even see the movie?!How could the Director make that Robot do better stunts than our Human Rajni Anna!We protest this gross injustice!"

Jhakki Journalist:"But even the Robot was played by Rajnikanth?"

Illaiya Nunnuswami:"Today that Son-of-a-Kundi Director had Rajni Anna play the Robot, tomorrow he’ll have Harman Baweja play it, what then?!"

Jhakki Journalist:"Don’t you think Harman Baweja might just be able to play a robot better?"

On suggesting that Harman Baweja could act even enough to play a robot, a group of RETARD activists turned violent and the security forces had to be called.

Ridy Culous, the chief of London Police was flummoxed, "I really can’t fathom why people get so emotive over this guy.Yesterday my Tamil neighbour was telling his son, ”If the sun ever needed more hydrogen to burn, it would request Rajnikanth to fart!”.Frankly,if you make our Princess of Wales,Camilla Parker Bowles dress up as a guy, even she would look more dashing than Rajnikanth"

This statement led to fatwa being issued by Maulana Bevajah on Mr Culous’ head.Maulana Bevajah in a candid confession told us,"Yes I agree I am Rajnikanth fan but where are the issues to issue a Fatwa now! Sania Mirza is so-not-hot anymore, Ayodhya dispute got a good judgement, Salman Rushdie is staying non-controversial, what else could I have done?!"

Meanwhile a reliable source in the movie’s unit clarified,"The Robot was Rajni Sir’s idea, he wanted to go Pan-India and he was fed up of North Indian audience lampooning him for his physics defying stunts, so in this movie he asked Shankar Sir to get a robot which could do all the moves to make things more believable. We had no idea it would offend people"

Bobby Deol, who was in London, doesn’t understand what the fuss is all about,he said,"This isn’t even an original movie!You have a Robot falling in love with Aishwarya Rai,which is exactly what her first movie with me,’Aur Pyaar Ho Gaya’,was all about,and it was 14 years back!Even Sunny Bhaiya was proud of my expressionless performance in that movie!"

There was no reply to this allegation from the filmmaker’s side.


While this controversy was raging on, Rajnikanth met up with Shiv Sena chief Bal Thackerey at the latter’s Mumbai residence.Reports suggest that Rajni requested the Shiv Sena supremo to send some Sainiks to London to take care of these issues, Sena Style.

Clearly, this Chitty is causing a lot of Bang Bang.

Breaking News - New Batch of Pakistani Terrorists Demands Pay Hikes!

After Sania Mirza getting married to Shoaib Malik,floods and the match-fixing scandal,it seems there's more bad news in store for Pakistan.

It is learnt that Jehadi Groups are facing a huge resource crunch due to reluctance of newly trained terrorists to work at existing wage structures.

Here's what Jalal Lahori,MD of POTTY(Pakistani Organization for Troubled Teenaged Youth),one of the top placement agencies for terrorists had to say,"Janaab,it is all the fault of your Kalmadi!He makes so much money,gets to meet so many celebrities,is minting money like an IIM-A Grad and yet he has scared away more foreigners from India than all our attacks put together,that too with zero life risk!Hamare ladkon ka motivation hi chala gaya hai!"

Kasim Hatela,a recent passout from IIT-Lahore(International Institute of Terrorism) said,"Earlier my idol was Ajmal Kasab,now I worship Kalmadi Sahib!"

It is also being reported that there is a sharp decline in people enrolling for courses like B.E(Bachelors in Extremism) and B.TECH(Bachelors in Terrorism,Extremism & Causing Havoc).

Prof.Jehadi,a teacher at IIT-Lahore was found ruing,"Our students have been missing out on lucrative assignments in the U.S and Europe since MNCs like Al-Qaeda and Hamas have started recruiting in countries like Somalia and Iraq because of cost factors.Now with India falling out of favour of our students,on-shore opportunities have reduced to Afghanistan and honestly Taliban isn't the best place to start your career."

Pakistan's economy has been severly affected,with unemployment rates rising by around 20% in the last 3 months to reach record highs.

Ghooskhor Butt,a spokesperson for the Labour Ministry of Pakistan said,"I know,Terrorism is our only export but I assure you that the issue is being closely monitored but do you expect any better when unemployment rate in the U.S itself is touching the double-digit mark!"

According to reliable sources,Immensely Scared Idiots or Inter-Services Intelligence(ISI),the Pakistani Intelligence Agency chiefly reponsible for planning and organising attacks against India is facing a huge financial crunch and hence is unwilling to offer any financial incentives to these resources.

This financial crunch is being attributed to overstaffing at the time of the floods,as the top brass believed the Aid money pouring in from around the world could be diverted to them.Sadly,the inflow of aid was worse than the water supply in South Mumbai.

Meanwhile good samaritans like Dawood Ibrahim have stepped forward,"We will cross-train these young men,so that they can start working in sectors like Betting,Extortion and Supari Killings and earn their rightful livelihood."

Some sections have voiced that Pakistani athletes at the Commonwealth Games should be replaced by these unemployed terrorists.Pheku Rehman,an Islamabad resident was quoted saying,"Look,these boys have undergone rigorous training and frankly are medal prospects in events like Shooting and Athletic events like Long Jump,High Jump and Marathons.I am ready to bet my beard that our Kasab could beat your Abhinav Bindra on any given day!"

Bejan Soberwala,a reputed numerologist commented that the conflicting position of Saturn and Mercury has enraged Ganesha and this will cause further mayhem in Pakistan.On being asked for a remedy,he said, "I urge Shoaib Malik to divorce Sania Mirza,Shoaib Akhtar to stop using his fake accent and Parvez Musharraf to simply shave his moustache to change the position of the planets".

While the direct victims are many,an unsuspecting victim of this whole episode is the Pakistan's life insurance industry which provides low-premium insurance cover to Jehadis,though Farid Afridi,Chairperson of LIC(Lashkar-e-Insurance Companies) said that the situation is not permanent,"People taking Fidayeen packages have definitely reduced but all we need is another 9/11 to reverse the trend.Inshallah our prayers will be answered."

Meanwhile,after this news broke out across the border in India, Mr.Suresh Kalmadi is being considered a strong contender for next year's Bharat Ratna Award.

Bakbak Banerjee,a leading security expert summed it up,"There have been no attacks since the Feb blasts in Pune and infilitration has dropped since news about the mismanagement at Games started to appear.What our Security Forces,Diplomatic Missions couldn't do in 60 years,Mr.Kalmadi has done in 6 months"

Truly as Mr.Kalmadi has reiterated time and again,"These are the Best Games Ever"

Stay..

We never promised any happy endings,
Weren't we simply Lovers in time of need?
Oh!Just wipe away those tears,
Before all shackled memories are freed.

Naked & unprotected tears leave us to our past,
& memories are spirits that only time can exorcize,
Fine,let us play out this final act as well,
though suffering will be its only prize.

Perfection was what we saw in each other,
& love simply nourishes on a diet of illusion,
Yet when reality crashlanded our flights of fantasy,
with each other,we simply couldn't be done.

We became a series of questions to each other,
answers to which we couldn't find,
and now that I could forget about it all,
I'll prefer those questions to the silence in my mind.

Forgotten by all,travelling unfamiliar roads,
Once we had found solace in each other's company,
Now,so close to finding my way back,
Lost with you is what I'd rather be.

So let's hang on for one more time,
It'll be a rough voyage I know,
Happiness,we might be able to give up awhile,
But you are the hope that I can't let go.



Random scribbling about how you always while breaking-up suddenly realize that let's give it another shot.

Bhaiya In Mahrashtra...

Took the train from Patna Junction,
Next day I landed at Kalyan,
I had to reach somehow to Dharavi,
where already I have half my 'gaanv'.

Everyone kept yelling 'Pudhe Chalaan Bhaiya',
Though I had never tied rakhi on their hands,
I though it meant 'Ram-Ram',yelled it back at them,
And in return got a thrashing,grand.

Somehow finally made it to Dharavi,
On the spot,I was given a new ration card,
Then they started a fight over whether I'll be,
a Taxiwalla,Dudhwalla or Security Gaurd.

One day while waiting for fare in Dadar,
I played Ravi Kisen's latest Bhojpuri soundtrack,
Suddenly I was surrounded by 'background dancers',
who beat me up into lot more colours than blue & black.

I am an alien,I am a beaten alien,
I am a Bhaiya in Maharshtra!

I learned basic Marathi faster than a Sehwag century,
Told 'Dhagala Lagli' was my favourite song,
And I thought my 'beat'-fication was over,
But how I was to be proved wrong.

Just like Pakistan blames India for everything,
Be it floods,match-fixing or a crashed plane,
So was I blamed for every wrong here,
They loved me as much as Bush loved Saddam Hussein.

And one morning I read in 'Amar Ujala',
that BBC(Beat-Up Bhaiya Campaign) was launched with fanfare,
It was worthy of being a Marketing Case Study in any B-school,
It was that successful here.

On the train back,I told my story to one Kamal R Khan,
Moved,he made a movie on it,with himself as the star,
And since people got to know the culprit behind this disaster,
I am beaten up daily even in Bihar.




Gaanv-Village
Pudhe Chalaan-Move ahead


Disclaimer-My name is Tickoo and I am not a Bhaiya!

This is an Indian take on Sting's 'Englishman in New York'...I just hope nobody finds it offensive coz it's all in good humour and if he/she still does,I promise to vote for MNS in the next elections to make up for it!Jai Hind,Jai Maharashta!

A Stone's Throw Away From..

Shouts..angry shouts..shouts that made your blood boil even more with rage or could make your skin crawl with fear depending on which side you stood.

Till a week back,Azhar could never have imagined being one of 'them',"the disgruntled unemployed misguided youth" as they were portrayed by most.

The face that lit up on seeing anyone,was today covered in a mask;the hands that healed,were today willing to hurt;the dream of seeing peace prevail one day,replaced by a simple lust for revenge,and then Dr.Azhar Siddiqui thought,"Shit happens!".

And yet he couldn't escape thinking,"How did it all come to this?"

Another crowd,another cacophony of angry shouts;Iftikar Chacha had died in an accident with a police vehicle.

All we wanted was an inquiry into the incident.

Amin,Anam's little brother,all of 7,and just like a kid his age would do,nagged his Ammi into letting him join us in the procession moving towards the police station.Somebody stopped us as we neared the place,all we could hear at the back were snippets of an argument.Tempers flared,somebody throws a stone,a couple of gunshots and it's commotion all around.

"Amin!Stay with me!",I yelled without looking,as I felt his grip on my hand changing,and when I looked at him,those words had no meaning anymore.

He lay on the ground,his small hands unable to cover the large blood spatters on his kurta.


I stand infront of Anam,my head down.We buried Amin an hour ago.

"Azhar,look me in the eye."

I slowly lift my gaze to meet hers.

"I know what they are planning to do,you are not going to be a part of it;it isn't right!"

I flare up,all the guilt,anger,frustration comes out,"Wrong and right can only be decided by might."

She shakes her head and simply says,"When will this end,Azhar?When?"


And here I am,with a stone and a choice on my hand,a legacy and a so-called enemy infront of me.

And why are they an enemy?Would I have done something different in their place,surrounded by an angry crowd which could have turned violent anytime?Maybe.But how can I condemn someone's action if I am not sure what would my reaction be?

My anger,my hurt is justified;violence?I guess not.Though it is the easiest and probably the most satisfying way to react to hurt,but is it the best?Probably not.

Yes I might be able to hurt one or two of them,I might create a stir in their ranks but is it going to bring a change to the human instinct for survival when cornered?Definitely not.

So how is what I am doing,going to stop what happened from happening again?

And then I thought of Anam,the hopelessness on her beautiful face.Anam,I know,I know,how this is going to end!Atleast for once,somebody has to learn to forgive.

The arm which was ready to hurl,relaxes;the tightly held stone,falls out of Azhar's hand.

He only wishes that he could have realized it when his heart was shattered by grief and not by a bullet,but what he regrets most is not being able to share his epiphany with Anam.He hopes that God judges him well for these final moments.He removes the mask and smiles his last smile.


Today as Azhar's funeral procession moves away from his house,Anam looks at it from her doorstep,covers her face,picks up a stone lying on the ground and starts walking the other way.



Wrote it a couple of months back(before Lamhaa released!),have tried my best to be non-judgemental coz anybody who is not in that situation,doesn't have a right to judge those who are.

Celebrity..An Ode To Paris Hilton et al

I know it's a mission impossible,
like FIFA World Cup featuring the Indian team,
But like every middle class person,
becoming a celebrity is my dream!

A cricketer,a movie star,a politician,
Even being a Pg 3 personality would do,
Forgetting all concerns over human dignity,
I'll readily act in a K-serial too.

Even being dumb would make news,
People would finally listen to my drunken rants,
Every stupidity could become a new style statement,
including going out partying without any underpants!

My inactive blog would have visitors and comments,
I could even tweet about time I spent in the toilet,
And if anybody ever finds anything offensive,
I could simply claim that they always misinterpret.

Women who tried to get rid of me by tying rakhis,
would want me to hold a 'swayamvadhu',
I'll throw tantrums publicly for a change,
Because that's what a celeb is supposed to do!

Pretty easy to become one,that aliens kidnapped my cows,
to some news channel I could tell,
I could ask someone to forcibly kiss me,
or simply fall down a tubewell.

After a couple of weeks..

Damn,it's hard to find tubewells in city,
& Bobby Darling was the only celeb willing to kiss me,
though Abhishek and John may have made it cool,
a Gay Icon,I ain't ready to be.

But I assure that there'll be a time when,
they'll bid for my used toilet paper on e-Bay,
So my Dad turns overnight into Vijay Mallya,
is something I have begun to daily pray!



Had fun writing this one..visualizing people like Paris Hilton,Lindsay Lohan,Kamal R Khan in my mind,had started on it a month back and then had put it on a backburner..already started working like a celeb! :P

Paimona..

Sometimes,you just have an indefinable craving to share what you have experienced :).Below is the translation of a Persian poem written by Omar Khayyam.I came across it on another blog.Advise you to check out its rendition by Zeb and Haniya which is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.

Bring me the chalice, so I may lose myself,
for, I'm in love with my Beloved’s intoxicating Gaze.
Your Eyes light up my secret garden
Your Face makes luminous every rose therein.
Face like a flower, it give petals their sweet fragrance
The mystic land of my Beloved is placeless.

I'm in love with my Beloved’s intoxicating Gaze,
Bring! bring! so I may annihilate myself.
Bring me the chalice, so I may lose myself.

If I hear the message of Your sacred arrival,
Under Your feet, I will spread a carpet of flowers.
Spread flowers, Spread rose flowers,
I will sacrifice myself at the dust of Your feet.
Bring me the chalice, so I may lose myself,
I'm in love with my Beloved’s intoxicating Gaze.

Journey Without End..

Date: 23rd October, 2007.

Alarm rings, wake up, brush your teeth, have a bath, breakfast, grab the newspaper, head out for college, catch the 7.30 a.m train for Bandra.

Every special day starts with the same ordinary things.

Jostle through the sea of humanity, get on the train; mission accomplished.

Vacant seat found, the feeling is equivalent to winning the World Cup for a rush-hour traveler in a Mumbai local.

I settle down and open the crossword, and can God be any crueler! I see an aged woman standing right in front of me. Times have changed, Knights of the Past have been replaced by harried commuters and Fair Princesses by Aged Women. I vacate my seat, half-chivalrous, half-grumpy and start looking around for a place to stand and that’s when time stops for me; There she stood in all her glory, in the Ladies compartment, smiling at me from across the grille.

If my life was some Hollywood movie, I am sure James Blunt would have started crooning,

“I saw your face, in a crowded place,

And I don’t know what to do?”

Now considering that I am no Tom Cruise (or even Shakti Kapoor), girls only smile at guys like me when we are making a fool of ourselves. The top 3 possible explanations in my mind, ”My fly is open.”, “ I have a stupid expression on my face.”, “I am dreaming.” . Check the fly, put on a serious expression, pinch myself and she still smiles. All three explanations nullified!

It takes a shove from some jerk to bring me back to Local-Trainland; I do what any sane person would have done at first go, I smile back. She waves and if love at first wave existed, I think I had it.

I had one special thing added to the list of ordinary things each morning; her smiling and waving at me. I say, forget getting AC coaches, just get a pretty female to smile at you from across the coach, local train travel becomes so tolerable.

I kept moving closer to the partition each day, feeling like Moses parting the Red Sea (in my case, smelly people) in slow motion. And one fine day I am standing next to her; we start chatting as if we have known each other for ages (which we have, right?). That 1 hr of travelling together, slowly becomes the best hour of the day for both of us, and one fine day, I find the courage to ask her, “Do you mind travelling in my compartment?”

She starts laughing, “I thought you were going to ask something else.”

And realizing, it was my cue to do, as they say colloquially, ”Chance Pe Dance”, I say, ”What if I did ask you what you thought I would?”

She smiles and replies, “You really are the Slow Local”.

And then we became one compartment from two!

Life couldn’t have been better. Time flew by like the stations going past, memories crowding our minds like people getting in.

23^rd October 2009, our 2^nd Anniversary, we are both done with college and have started working; I want to take her out for shopping. She insists we travel by train, “It is what brought us together, you know.”

It is drizzling steadily, the train is unusually empty. We both are standing at the door (Only a Mumbaiikar can find such a setting romantic). We feel as close to each other as we have ever felt. We look outside but think about each other.

Out of nowhere, there is a huge jolt, the compartment is in the air and gets off the track(I later get to know a pipeline fell on the train); I see her falling out of the door, my hand reaching out to her…

...there is a sudden jolt, I wake up, she, my wife now, is smiling at me, “We have reached Bandra and I don’t need to be saved again, oldie!” . I look down to find that I am holding her hand tight, just the way I had held it 40 years back on that day. I smile,”Just making sure I don’t end any journey without you, alone.

Author's Note - Got myself medically tested after writing this, Testosterone levels were at an all-time low :D

First Post after getting an Editor.Thanks Jules :)

The Rainbow Painter

Long ago I had heard tales about someone,
whom everybody called The Rainbow Painter,
She coloured everything the way you wanted,
using that magic brush of hers.

For years I searched her everywhere,
Like a lost sailor looking for land,
and just when I had given up on her as a myth,
she came and touched my hand.

One look at her and I knew,
what I had heard of,was for real,
Because when she began to paint,
She made even the mundane,ethereal.

The whole world was her canvas,
If she didn't paint it,its meaning would cease,
So I asked what I had always wanted to ask,
"Could you draw me something please?".

She smiled and began her work,
Colouring my life with love,joy & contentment,
To thank the Heavens for letting her find me,
I closed my eyes for a moment.

When I opened them,it was all colourless again,
She had never been here,it seems,
I realized,I had dreamt of her once more,
But I know my Rainbow Painter isn't a dream.



That my friends,is the 50th post on my blog!!!Yippee!

She Will Be Loved...

"You will always be loved."

That is what he had told her 13 years back,when they had gotten married much to the surprise of everyone around them,including himself.

He always knew that it wasn't going to be a smooth ride,but he didn't expect it to be this rough either.

They were two completely different individuals,chalk and cheese,he sometimes referred to themselves jokingly as 'India-Pakistan',much to her embarrasment.But he had faith.

They tried hard,both of them,but some differences are just too huge to bridge.

He thought of the last time he had seen her:
Things had been awfully bad,both for them as a couple and as individuals.He had been having a tough time at work,working late hours everyday,and she had had a miscarriage.But today was different.He had just recieved a promotion.He knew that she had been really irritated and disturbed for the past few weeks but hadn't been able to pay too much attention.He thought, taking her out,would be perfect way to make it up to her.

He reached home at 7,a few hours earlier than he usually did.He opened the door using his key.He heard music;Mr.Brightside,her favourite song playing,he smiled,it seemed like a good sign.

It started out with a kiss,
How did it end up like this?

He tip-toed towards the bedroom,wanting to surprise her;he pushed the door open and yelled jubilantly,"Saakshi,let's go out!"

And it’s all in my head,
But she’s touching his—chest,
Now, he takes off her dress,
Now, let me go.

But neither was it just in his head and nor could he,or any of the other 2 people in the room,let it go.But yes,he did surprise her.One is bound to,when you walk onto your wife cheating on you.

Or probably,he is the only one surprised,was he not stupid,not to realise what had been going on?!

The other guy tries to explain something,he cannot hear anything,all he can do is simply stare at her face;she seems angry yet guilty,she picks up the gun lying by the bedside....

I just can’t look its killing me.

3 years have passed,he has spent a lot of time,trying to decipher the look she had on her face at that moment.Perhaps,she hadn't felt guilty.He,for some reason,just hasn't been able to let go.

It's time again,he wakes up from his reverie.

The setting is very much the same and yet so different.

The same song plays but it's a different set of lines,they both are still in the room,they haven't seen him but still seem a bit nervous and he sees them but doesn't need to open the door for that.He simply stands at the doorframe,where he was shot dead by her.It hurt in the beginning but now he has come to look forward to the whole routine,he has a sense of power over them which he lacked 3 years back.

And taking control..

He smiles sinisterly,afterall,death wouldn't prevent him from making sure that his promise was kept,whether or not,"She Will Be Loved".




For Best Results-Read it while listening along to Mr.Brightside by The Killers :D
Have just been listening too often to Mr.Brightside(it's my cell's ringtone) and reading too much of Stephen King.
P.S- For those who didn't get it,the guy was shot dead by the female,but his ghost has been there,haunting her for the past 3 years.

Another Cubicle In The Bay..

Read this now,my fellow sufferers,
for tomorrow this work may invite a ban,
This is not mere cribbing my friend,
I take up the grouse of every working man. (and woman,don't want to be a sexist)

I know I am no genius like Hawking,
Nor like Pitt,my glimpse makes anybody's day,
But what I ask from the Almighty,
is not to let me become,another cubicle in the bay.

Even holding this job involves a casting couch,
It's just probably of a low profile kind,
There is consensual screwing as expected,
But fortunately it's only of our mind.

I knew 'Common sense is not so common',
But I expected a bit as the hierarchy goes up,
and to find it inversely proportional over there,
was as shocking as England winning the World Cup.

After a weekday,even drinking the whole of world's cola,
Won't make me say,"Yeh Dil Maange More!",
But I was curious,so I consulted a lawyer,
'That slavery had been abolished',somehow he was sure!

We can't be doing this to ourselves on our own,
With 'Imperius' curse,we are being controlled,
Rajkumar Hirani may have filmed the story of 3 Idiots,
But stories of 30 lakh other Idiots lie untold!

Life is sucked out of me,each day,every month,
Even Yamraaj seems to have jumped onto the EMI bandwagon,
Some of us even get our asses kicked much more,
than Bruce Lee's enemies in 'Enter The Dragon'.

And let me assure you,I am not the only one,
Even Chidambaram sometimes finds his job pathetic,
Forgive me,if I may have sounded too harsh,
Job Dissatisfaction Syndrome is the most widespread epidemic!


Inspired by a blog post by a colleague and the song,"Another Brick In the Wall"

Disclaimer-If the employers of the author come to possess this piece of writing,he wants to assure them that he really loves his job,more than Nityanand loves Tamil actresses,Mayawati loves her statues and Raj Thackeray loves Abu Azmi!This is just an effort to malign his good name!!

Lalit Laloo and Mayaji

Inside scoop on how finally Pune and Kochi got their franchisees! :D

"Welcome Laloo and Mayawati,"said Modi,
"How can I be of service to thee?",
"We want a team each",said Mayaji in sweet voice,
"Lalooji's will be Patna Bahubalis and mine Behenji's Boys."

"Like most of you,money is all I care about,I proudly say",
"So how much for each team are you guys gonna pay?",
"When 82.5% of Parliament belongs to backward classes and women,",
Behenji says,"be thankful we are asking for 1 each,not for all 10!".

Modi worried now,politely asks Laloo,
"How will you buy players,even if I give the team to you?",
Laloo is offended,"How the hell can you forget the Fodder scam?!",
"Worst case,my 9 kids can form a team,Modi you be damned!"

Modi enraged now,"What have you guys ever done for cricket?",
"You haven't even given a single ex-cricketer an election ticket!",
They say in unison,"If we hadn't screwed up UP and Bihar,",
"Dhoni,Raina would have been engineer/doctor,not cricketing stars!"

Modi relents,"Just take your team and go!",
Laloo says,"Just like I did with Railways,I'll again steal the show!",
Mayaji gets dreamy,"I'll be the Cheerleader Queen!",
"Coz' when I put on my dancing clothes,Preity will become a Has-Been!"

Hearin this,KC Rao for a seperate Telangana team,sits on Hunger Strike,
while Mamta Di for only Bengali players demands a pay hike,
Oblivious,Behenji and Laloo hire KRK,Ravi Kissen as Franchisee Models,
and Mayaji even holds a huge rally in the state capital!

But midway,the rally is attacked by a squad of trained commando bees!,
Mayaji alleges it is the other team owners and orders several inquiries,
But surprise,for the first time an attacked is owned up by Pakistan,
"How can we allow IPL if on our players,you put a ban?!"

Modi has had enough,it's finally time to be a man!
"Why have Pakistani players,when their country themselves has put a ban."
He promises Maya,Mayawati Ka Swaymvar and Laloo,a buffalo every day.
And thus they relented,and the teams went to Kochi and Pune!


Disclaimer-Inspired by True Events and People,but bears no resemblance to truth :)

Kamikaze Love

How far can I run?
If time is my assailant.
Memories her weapon of choice,
stabbing away at the present.

Bloodied by these wounds,
stand you in the bridal gown,
or is it your tears,
that have kept falling down.

Just like the tears,we have been falling,
you pulling me down,I pulling down you,
thinking and believing every moment,
we found something to hold on to.

Misery,the last common friend,
promises a lifetime together,
She's a devil without disguise,
She locked our futures in fetters.

You'll keep trying bandaging the wounds,
I'll try drying those tears off you,
But jury seems to be on fate's side,
and we don't have strength enough to argue.


Random..watched Dexter(TV show bout a righteous serial-killer) Season 3 Episde 12,where he gets married..so just wrote down about a man who is scared of the past and insecure bout the future,confessin to the world/wife/lover.

Delusion Angel by David Jewell

Daydream delusion,
limousine eyelash,
oh, baby with your pretty face,
drop a tear in my wineglass,
look at those big eyes,
see what you mean to me,
sweet cakes and milkshakes,
I am a delusion angel,
I am a fantasy parade,
I want you to know what I think,
dont want you to guess anymore,
you have no idea where I came from,
we have no idea where we're going,
launched in life,
like branches in the river,
flowing downstream,
caught in the current,
I'll carry you, you'll carry me,
that's how it could be,
don't you know me?
don't you know me by now?


The day I can start writing like that,would be salvation for me!

Unsaid

A few smiles kept reserved,
Those many unsaid words,
A lifetime worth of memories in making,
will stay as thoughts unheard.

We didn't mean everything we said,
Didn't speak everything we meant to say,
We could have weathered it out together,
had one of us could asked the other to stay.

But guess it's how it's meant to be,
Probably just what fate had in store,
Everyday I hold onto this belief,
But somewhere deep down I ain't that sure.

Coz' times change and memories fade,
But your conscience can't stay naive,
The more you steer towards ignorance,
Closer to guilt it seems to drive.

The perpetrator could be you or me,
But as victims we both did suffer,
and when our miseries are so linked,
Blaming each other is so much tougher.

It's useless wishing to rewind time,
You carry forward what you are taught,
Those unsaid words and unsmiled smiles,
to make new memories will be sought.

MUMBAI

As fast-paced as a Brett Lee delivery,
and as unpredictable as the Pakistani cricket team,
You might not be able to afford a place to live,
but you will get enough space for a galaxy of dreams.

Raju and his 'bhau' might have a fight over,
who does a 'Bhaiyya' get beaten up by,
The uncle/dad has a better solution,
Lets expand operations to include Paki and Aussie guys.

Considering how the traffic is here,
and that necessity is the mother of invention,
Mumbai will be the first city to have flying cars,
and some Mumbaiikar might just invent teleportation.

Don't blame the BMC for all the waterlogging you have,
For performance improvement,it's Sports Ministry's covert trick,
All the wading,skipping,hopping and jumping around,
Atleast improves chances in swimming,long jump and gymnastics!

The local trains and buses get us 'closer' to each other,
There are means to promote National integration,
And travelling in them makes you so fit and agile,
You could easily take on Baba Ramdev in a Yoga competition.

Take the life of an average guy here,
It has more thrill and twists than a Dan Brown mystery,
And if patience could be converted to money,
Each of us would have made more than Reliance has,in its history.

There might be moments when you feel lost,
As a Brahmin(Non-Kashmiri :D) would be in a KFC,
Hang in and you might just kick some serious ass,
Like Rajnikanth does,in every other movie.

You might not be 'Born Tough' like Ceat,
But this is a place that makes you gritty,
The water supply is surely spiked with some 'Love Potion',
Coz despite everything,you fall in love with this city!


To this City!!