Gayalalitha tops Maxim-um's Hot 100

Photos simply for representative purposes

Beauty Magazine Maxim-um is out with its Annual Hot 100 list and the results are more than simply surprising.It has voted South Indian Siren,Gayalalitha as Sexiest Indian Woman Alive.Shocked?There's more of it,following Gayalalitha,North Indian politician,Kayawati is at the 2nd position while Samta Banerjee rounds up the Top 3.

"For long beauty has been simply associated with fair-skinned women with svelte figures.We are out there to change that perception".So says Illaiya Nunnuswami,Editor of the South Asian Edition of Maxim-um.

Ms.Gayalalitha,winner of the 1999 Fat-Hags Mega Model Hunt(the organizers wanted us to specify that Mega in the Title didn't denote the size of the contestants),was elated."This is a slap in the face of that old bozo Varunanidhi,I openly challenge him to make it to this list of Hot 100 Women".

Last heard,Varunanidhi,Gayalalitha's evergreen political opponent,was discussing the possible complications that could arise from him undergoing a sex-change operation at 85 years of age.

Kundirajan,an emotional supporter of Gayalalitha couldn't contain himself."She has been having a tough time;with Namitha Kapoor working in Tamil movies,even Amma's original title of 'Thunder Thighs' was stolen from her.This title is perhaps the only voting where she has won in the past 10 years",he says while wiping a tear with his lungi.

Gayalalitha has replaced Kim Kardashian and Guddi Maruti as the new Ambassador for Anti-anorexia campaigns by the World Health Organization,who will have 'Thin Isn't In" as their theme for the year 2011.

Across the length of the nation,in Uttar Pradesh,Kayawati emphasized that this was expected,"To be honest,I should have been numero uno.Meri is vifalta ke peeche kuch Manuwadi Shaktiyon ka haath hai".

Sculptors in UP were extremely happy,"After the SC decision on stopping expenditure on Behenji's statues,things were a bit slow,but now we are getting a lot of orders,specially of Behenji standing in the Marilyn Monroe pose over a blower and some in swimsuits too",said Chuttan Lal,who has worked on 1000 Behenji sculptures earlier.

Naini Pandey,a student at Lucknow University,emphatically told us,"Behenjis can be hot!Move over Bipashas and Katrinas!"

In West Bengal though,the celebrations were muted,supporters were extremely unhappy over Samta Di falling behind,Chunni Sankipadhayaya,visibly agitated,told us,"It is all the conspiracy of those Bata people,just because Samta Di prefers Lakhani chappals to their brand and that we didn't allow their factory in Singur".On reminding him,that it was Tata and not Bata,the gentleman was shocked,"What?!I protested thinking it was Bata because their useless chappals don't last one damned monsoon and aren't even good enough to throw at people.My MBA degree(Management of Bandh and Andolans) was a waste!"

But despite her disappointment at ending up at the 3rd position,there is a silver lining for Samta Banerjee.She has been approached for 'Ugly and Pagli 2',where she'll be playing both Ugly as well as Pagli.

Women all over the country are now obsessed with attaining a Size One-Zero-Zero.Kareena Kapoor,leading Bollwood actress was gushing with relief,"Blessed be these women!Now finally I can start eating like a human again and stop yapping that it was simply Yoga behind my size zero."

Gym Owners too are happy,"Unlike all body structures,a Size One-Zero-Zero is easy to attain as well as maintain,so you don't have to go through the grind like you have to for say,a 6-pack".

Vijay Mallya,proud owner of UB group as well as of a beer-belly,has been quick to jump on the bandwagon and has approached Gayalalitha,Kayawati and Samta Banerjee to feature on this year's King-SizedFisher Calender.

Illaiya Nunnuswami played down the hype with these words of wisdom,"Remember that trends are fickle.At one time,bell-bottoms were cool,people believed Dino Morea could act,even Rakhi Sawant was a rage,now she simply stays enraged.Yes,size does matter,be it zero or one-zero-zero,but what matters more is what you feel about yourself!".Alas,only if we had such brains behind all fashion magazines!

Protests at Indian High Commission, Director Shankar attacked in London after Robot Premier!

While the movie Robot opened in Indian theatres to rave reviews and packed audience, things aren’t as rosy in the United Kingdom.

At the premier of Robot, Director Shankar was lucky to escape unhurt after certain unidentified men threw Rajnikanth-hairstyle wigs filled with nariyal chatni at him. The attackers escaped yelling the slogan,"Down with Chitty! Down with Shankar!".Chitty being the name of the Robot in the movie.

Though some claim this might have been orchestrated by vested interests in Hollywood who are scared of Rajnikanth capturing the market of Sci-Fi movies like Terminator and Transformers Series,Grande Floppe, the Director of the next movie in the Terminator franchisee had this to say, "We are in talks with Rajni Sir to play the lead and are planning to shoot in Chennai".Inside sources suggest, the movie will be titled ‘Auto-Terminator’ where Rajnikanth would play a Robot which kills errant auto-drivers.

There are also reports that this might have been the handiwork of BALD(Baldies Association of London District) activists who have been protesting Rajnikanth wearing a wig in his movies.Vin Diesel,star of movies like XXX, Fast and The Furious and a BALD promoter, remarked, "I got my first break because of support from BALD and I look forward to the day when an Indian movie features bald men as heroes and not just villains, so we won’t be doing something of the sort which furthers this cliché of us baldies being baddies"

The mystery behind this attack solved itself this morning, when activists from a group named RETARD(Radical Eelam Tigers Association for Rajnikanth Devotees), held a protest march which ended with demonstrations at Indian High Commission. Illaiya Nunnuswami, secretary, RETARD, took the responsibility for these attacks,here is what he had to say:

Jhakki Journalist:"Sir,u seem to be a Rajnikanth fan,why are you against the movie?"

Illaiya Nunnusawami:"Did you even see the movie?!How could the Director make that Robot do better stunts than our Human Rajni Anna!We protest this gross injustice!"

Jhakki Journalist:"But even the Robot was played by Rajnikanth?"

Illaiya Nunnuswami:"Today that Son-of-a-Kundi Director had Rajni Anna play the Robot, tomorrow he’ll have Harman Baweja play it, what then?!"

Jhakki Journalist:"Don’t you think Harman Baweja might just be able to play a robot better?"

On suggesting that Harman Baweja could act even enough to play a robot, a group of RETARD activists turned violent and the security forces had to be called.

Ridy Culous, the chief of London Police was flummoxed, "I really can’t fathom why people get so emotive over this guy.Yesterday my Tamil neighbour was telling his son, ”If the sun ever needed more hydrogen to burn, it would request Rajnikanth to fart!”.Frankly,if you make our Princess of Wales,Camilla Parker Bowles dress up as a guy, even she would look more dashing than Rajnikanth"

This statement led to fatwa being issued by Maulana Bevajah on Mr Culous’ head.Maulana Bevajah in a candid confession told us,"Yes I agree I am Rajnikanth fan but where are the issues to issue a Fatwa now! Sania Mirza is so-not-hot anymore, Ayodhya dispute got a good judgement, Salman Rushdie is staying non-controversial, what else could I have done?!"

Meanwhile a reliable source in the movie’s unit clarified,"The Robot was Rajni Sir’s idea, he wanted to go Pan-India and he was fed up of North Indian audience lampooning him for his physics defying stunts, so in this movie he asked Shankar Sir to get a robot which could do all the moves to make things more believable. We had no idea it would offend people"

Bobby Deol, who was in London, doesn’t understand what the fuss is all about,he said,"This isn’t even an original movie!You have a Robot falling in love with Aishwarya Rai,which is exactly what her first movie with me,’Aur Pyaar Ho Gaya’,was all about,and it was 14 years back!Even Sunny Bhaiya was proud of my expressionless performance in that movie!"

There was no reply to this allegation from the filmmaker’s side.


While this controversy was raging on, Rajnikanth met up with Shiv Sena chief Bal Thackerey at the latter’s Mumbai residence.Reports suggest that Rajni requested the Shiv Sena supremo to send some Sainiks to London to take care of these issues, Sena Style.

Clearly, this Chitty is causing a lot of Bang Bang.

Breaking News - New Batch of Pakistani Terrorists Demands Pay Hikes!

After Sania Mirza getting married to Shoaib Malik,floods and the match-fixing scandal,it seems there's more bad news in store for Pakistan.

It is learnt that Jehadi Groups are facing a huge resource crunch due to reluctance of newly trained terrorists to work at existing wage structures.

Here's what Jalal Lahori,MD of POTTY(Pakistani Organization for Troubled Teenaged Youth),one of the top placement agencies for terrorists had to say,"Janaab,it is all the fault of your Kalmadi!He makes so much money,gets to meet so many celebrities,is minting money like an IIM-A Grad and yet he has scared away more foreigners from India than all our attacks put together,that too with zero life risk!Hamare ladkon ka motivation hi chala gaya hai!"

Kasim Hatela,a recent passout from IIT-Lahore(International Institute of Terrorism) said,"Earlier my idol was Ajmal Kasab,now I worship Kalmadi Sahib!"

It is also being reported that there is a sharp decline in people enrolling for courses like B.E(Bachelors in Extremism) and B.TECH(Bachelors in Terrorism,Extremism & Causing Havoc).

Prof.Jehadi,a teacher at IIT-Lahore was found ruing,"Our students have been missing out on lucrative assignments in the U.S and Europe since MNCs like Al-Qaeda and Hamas have started recruiting in countries like Somalia and Iraq because of cost factors.Now with India falling out of favour of our students,on-shore opportunities have reduced to Afghanistan and honestly Taliban isn't the best place to start your career."

Pakistan's economy has been severly affected,with unemployment rates rising by around 20% in the last 3 months to reach record highs.

Ghooskhor Butt,a spokesperson for the Labour Ministry of Pakistan said,"I know,Terrorism is our only export but I assure you that the issue is being closely monitored but do you expect any better when unemployment rate in the U.S itself is touching the double-digit mark!"

According to reliable sources,Immensely Scared Idiots or Inter-Services Intelligence(ISI),the Pakistani Intelligence Agency chiefly reponsible for planning and organising attacks against India is facing a huge financial crunch and hence is unwilling to offer any financial incentives to these resources.

This financial crunch is being attributed to overstaffing at the time of the floods,as the top brass believed the Aid money pouring in from around the world could be diverted to them.Sadly,the inflow of aid was worse than the water supply in South Mumbai.

Meanwhile good samaritans like Dawood Ibrahim have stepped forward,"We will cross-train these young men,so that they can start working in sectors like Betting,Extortion and Supari Killings and earn their rightful livelihood."

Some sections have voiced that Pakistani athletes at the Commonwealth Games should be replaced by these unemployed terrorists.Pheku Rehman,an Islamabad resident was quoted saying,"Look,these boys have undergone rigorous training and frankly are medal prospects in events like Shooting and Athletic events like Long Jump,High Jump and Marathons.I am ready to bet my beard that our Kasab could beat your Abhinav Bindra on any given day!"

Bejan Soberwala,a reputed numerologist commented that the conflicting position of Saturn and Mercury has enraged Ganesha and this will cause further mayhem in Pakistan.On being asked for a remedy,he said, "I urge Shoaib Malik to divorce Sania Mirza,Shoaib Akhtar to stop using his fake accent and Parvez Musharraf to simply shave his moustache to change the position of the planets".

While the direct victims are many,an unsuspecting victim of this whole episode is the Pakistan's life insurance industry which provides low-premium insurance cover to Jehadis,though Farid Afridi,Chairperson of LIC(Lashkar-e-Insurance Companies) said that the situation is not permanent,"People taking Fidayeen packages have definitely reduced but all we need is another 9/11 to reverse the trend.Inshallah our prayers will be answered."

Meanwhile,after this news broke out across the border in India, Mr.Suresh Kalmadi is being considered a strong contender for next year's Bharat Ratna Award.

Bakbak Banerjee,a leading security expert summed it up,"There have been no attacks since the Feb blasts in Pune and infilitration has dropped since news about the mismanagement at Games started to appear.What our Security Forces,Diplomatic Missions couldn't do in 60 years,Mr.Kalmadi has done in 6 months"

Truly as Mr.Kalmadi has reiterated time and again,"These are the Best Games Ever"

Stay..

We never promised any happy endings,
Weren't we simply Lovers in time of need?
Oh!Just wipe away those tears,
Before all shackled memories are freed.

Naked & unprotected tears leave us to our past,
& memories are spirits that only time can exorcize,
Fine,let us play out this final act as well,
though suffering will be its only prize.

Perfection was what we saw in each other,
& love simply nourishes on a diet of illusion,
Yet when reality crashlanded our flights of fantasy,
with each other,we simply couldn't be done.

We became a series of questions to each other,
answers to which we couldn't find,
and now that I could forget about it all,
I'll prefer those questions to the silence in my mind.

Forgotten by all,travelling unfamiliar roads,
Once we had found solace in each other's company,
Now,so close to finding my way back,
Lost with you is what I'd rather be.

So let's hang on for one more time,
It'll be a rough voyage I know,
Happiness,we might be able to give up awhile,
But you are the hope that I can't let go.



Random scribbling about how you always while breaking-up suddenly realize that let's give it another shot.

Bhaiya In Mahrashtra...

Took the train from Patna Junction,
Next day I landed at Kalyan,
I had to reach somehow to Dharavi,
where already I have half my 'gaanv'.

Everyone kept yelling 'Pudhe Chalaan Bhaiya',
Though I had never tied rakhi on their hands,
I though it meant 'Ram-Ram',yelled it back at them,
And in return got a thrashing,grand.

Somehow finally made it to Dharavi,
On the spot,I was given a new ration card,
Then they started a fight over whether I'll be,
a Taxiwalla,Dudhwalla or Security Gaurd.

One day while waiting for fare in Dadar,
I played Ravi Kisen's latest Bhojpuri soundtrack,
Suddenly I was surrounded by 'background dancers',
who beat me up into lot more colours than blue & black.

I am an alien,I am a beaten alien,
I am a Bhaiya in Maharshtra!

I learned basic Marathi faster than a Sehwag century,
Told 'Dhagala Lagli' was my favourite song,
And I thought my 'beat'-fication was over,
But how I was to be proved wrong.

Just like Pakistan blames India for everything,
Be it floods,match-fixing or a crashed plane,
So was I blamed for every wrong here,
They loved me as much as Bush loved Saddam Hussein.

And one morning I read in 'Amar Ujala',
that BBC(Beat-Up Bhaiya Campaign) was launched with fanfare,
It was worthy of being a Marketing Case Study in any B-school,
It was that successful here.

On the train back,I told my story to one Kamal R Khan,
Moved,he made a movie on it,with himself as the star,
And since people got to know the culprit behind this disaster,
I am beaten up daily even in Bihar.




Gaanv-Village
Pudhe Chalaan-Move ahead


Disclaimer-My name is Tickoo and I am not a Bhaiya!

This is an Indian take on Sting's 'Englishman in New York'...I just hope nobody finds it offensive coz it's all in good humour and if he/she still does,I promise to vote for MNS in the next elections to make up for it!Jai Hind,Jai Maharashta!

A Stone's Throw Away From..

Shouts..angry shouts..shouts that made your blood boil even more with rage or could make your skin crawl with fear depending on which side you stood.

Till a week back,Azhar could never have imagined being one of 'them',"the disgruntled unemployed misguided youth" as they were portrayed by most.

The face that lit up on seeing anyone,was today covered in a mask;the hands that healed,were today willing to hurt;the dream of seeing peace prevail one day,replaced by a simple lust for revenge,and then Dr.Azhar Siddiqui thought,"Shit happens!".

And yet he couldn't escape thinking,"How did it all come to this?"

Another crowd,another cacophony of angry shouts;Iftikar Chacha had died in an accident with a police vehicle.

All we wanted was an inquiry into the incident.

Amin,Anam's little brother,all of 7,and just like a kid his age would do,nagged his Ammi into letting him join us in the procession moving towards the police station.Somebody stopped us as we neared the place,all we could hear at the back were snippets of an argument.Tempers flared,somebody throws a stone,a couple of gunshots and it's commotion all around.

"Amin!Stay with me!",I yelled without looking,as I felt his grip on my hand changing,and when I looked at him,those words had no meaning anymore.

He lay on the ground,his small hands unable to cover the large blood spatters on his kurta.


I stand infront of Anam,my head down.We buried Amin an hour ago.

"Azhar,look me in the eye."

I slowly lift my gaze to meet hers.

"I know what they are planning to do,you are not going to be a part of it;it isn't right!"

I flare up,all the guilt,anger,frustration comes out,"Wrong and right can only be decided by might."

She shakes her head and simply says,"When will this end,Azhar?When?"


And here I am,with a stone and a choice on my hand,a legacy and a so-called enemy infront of me.

And why are they an enemy?Would I have done something different in their place,surrounded by an angry crowd which could have turned violent anytime?Maybe.But how can I condemn someone's action if I am not sure what would my reaction be?

My anger,my hurt is justified;violence?I guess not.Though it is the easiest and probably the most satisfying way to react to hurt,but is it the best?Probably not.

Yes I might be able to hurt one or two of them,I might create a stir in their ranks but is it going to bring a change to the human instinct for survival when cornered?Definitely not.

So how is what I am doing,going to stop what happened from happening again?

And then I thought of Anam,the hopelessness on her beautiful face.Anam,I know,I know,how this is going to end!Atleast for once,somebody has to learn to forgive.

The arm which was ready to hurl,relaxes;the tightly held stone,falls out of Azhar's hand.

He only wishes that he could have realized it when his heart was shattered by grief and not by a bullet,but what he regrets most is not being able to share his epiphany with Anam.He hopes that God judges him well for these final moments.He removes the mask and smiles his last smile.


Today as Azhar's funeral procession moves away from his house,Anam looks at it from her doorstep,covers her face,picks up a stone lying on the ground and starts walking the other way.



Wrote it a couple of months back(before Lamhaa released!),have tried my best to be non-judgemental coz anybody who is not in that situation,doesn't have a right to judge those who are.

Celebrity..An Ode To Paris Hilton et al

I know it's a mission impossible,
like FIFA World Cup featuring the Indian team,
But like every middle class person,
becoming a celebrity is my dream!

A cricketer,a movie star,a politician,
Even being a Pg 3 personality would do,
Forgetting all concerns over human dignity,
I'll readily act in a K-serial too.

Even being dumb would make news,
People would finally listen to my drunken rants,
Every stupidity could become a new style statement,
including going out partying without any underpants!

My inactive blog would have visitors and comments,
I could even tweet about time I spent in the toilet,
And if anybody ever finds anything offensive,
I could simply claim that they always misinterpret.

Women who tried to get rid of me by tying rakhis,
would want me to hold a 'swayamvadhu',
I'll throw tantrums publicly for a change,
Because that's what a celeb is supposed to do!

Pretty easy to become one,that aliens kidnapped my cows,
to some news channel I could tell,
I could ask someone to forcibly kiss me,
or simply fall down a tubewell.

After a couple of weeks..

Damn,it's hard to find tubewells in city,
& Bobby Darling was the only celeb willing to kiss me,
though Abhishek and John may have made it cool,
a Gay Icon,I ain't ready to be.

But I assure that there'll be a time when,
they'll bid for my used toilet paper on e-Bay,
So my Dad turns overnight into Vijay Mallya,
is something I have begun to daily pray!



Had fun writing this one..visualizing people like Paris Hilton,Lindsay Lohan,Kamal R Khan in my mind,had started on it a month back and then had put it on a backburner..already started working like a celeb! :P