I don't like to put up stuff from others on my blog,but this song by Tracy Chapman is so damn brilliant,it has to be an exception!!Hearing these lyrics made me realise,sometimes it's just the fear of change that prevents us from accepting it.Have a read.
If you knew that you would die today,
Saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?
If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that you would find a truth
That brings up pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?
How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses? How much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around,Makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change?
Makes you change?
Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you so sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good,
why risk falling?
Why risk falling?
If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you'd broken every rule and vow,
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and love,
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
Would you change?
If you saw the face of God and love
If you saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?
Friday, September 11, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
As he sees it..
They were sitting alone.
For some unknown reason it's awkward.She can't take the silence any longer,in her most vivacious voice,she tells him,"You know you are a really nice guy"
He knows it's just her attempt to get the converstion started,but today for some godforsaken reason,he knows he should be honest,"I am not a nice guy,I just know how to control my emotions better."
She looks at him and starts laughing,she has a habit of doing it when he doesn't intend her to do so,but something in his eyes makes her stop midway.She doesn't see that look of unbridled admiration and affection that he always had for her;it was as if for the first time that his eyes were expressing not what he felt for her but what he actually felt.
He turns away from her,and in a barely audible monotone tells her,"I cry at my losses,revel in my victories,I feel possessive,I feel jealous;but I just make sure that they gnaw at my insides rather than hurt someone outside."
"Is this fair to me or you?"
She has no answers,he continues,"I know that I am certainly no better than anyone because I feel what anyone else would feel but does it make me any worse?"
She moves her hand towards him but he backs off.
"I wish I could hurt you sometimes just to see that you actually care."
He knows he shouldn't have said that but he realizes that they have gone past the point where any apology could undo things.He gets up slowly.The thing that used to bind their absolutely disparate personalities together has become too frayed to hold them together any longer.
He knows it's time to leave.
She says,"why couldn't you say all this earlier?"
"Because I never wanted to hurt you"
"And aren't you hurting me now?"
This time he has no answers.But he also doesn't have the words to set everything right.
"I should have never listened to you",she wipes a tear and walks away.
And he realizes that this is the last time that he is seeing her walking away.
For some unknown reason it's awkward.She can't take the silence any longer,in her most vivacious voice,she tells him,"You know you are a really nice guy"
He knows it's just her attempt to get the converstion started,but today for some godforsaken reason,he knows he should be honest,"I am not a nice guy,I just know how to control my emotions better."
She looks at him and starts laughing,she has a habit of doing it when he doesn't intend her to do so,but something in his eyes makes her stop midway.She doesn't see that look of unbridled admiration and affection that he always had for her;it was as if for the first time that his eyes were expressing not what he felt for her but what he actually felt.
He turns away from her,and in a barely audible monotone tells her,"I cry at my losses,revel in my victories,I feel possessive,I feel jealous;but I just make sure that they gnaw at my insides rather than hurt someone outside."
"Is this fair to me or you?"
She has no answers,he continues,"I know that I am certainly no better than anyone because I feel what anyone else would feel but does it make me any worse?"
She moves her hand towards him but he backs off.
"I wish I could hurt you sometimes just to see that you actually care."
He knows he shouldn't have said that but he realizes that they have gone past the point where any apology could undo things.He gets up slowly.The thing that used to bind their absolutely disparate personalities together has become too frayed to hold them together any longer.
He knows it's time to leave.
She says,"why couldn't you say all this earlier?"
"Because I never wanted to hurt you"
"And aren't you hurting me now?"
This time he has no answers.But he also doesn't have the words to set everything right.
"I should have never listened to you",she wipes a tear and walks away.
And he realizes that this is the last time that he is seeing her walking away.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Mera Desh Mera Gaon..
1st day at work and all my life I have thought of this,and in every scenario I thought of,I saw myself ecstatic but truth is always worse than fiction and well the first day was as if trying to write an IIT-JEE paper with a hangover.No clue as to what is going on,waiting,running,waiting again and just not a very pleasent experience,maybe and hopefully I'll be proved wrong but here's what I started thinking.
I really wish I was born in a village in some Bollywood style evil zamindaar's household.Here's why:
1.I wouldn't really have required any education apart from basic reading and writing skills and despite that job won't have been issue coz the UPA government is trying to enforce NREGA(National Rural Employment Guarantee Act) efficiently.
2.Wouldn't have required to travel in trains,buses etc to got to work,infact I could have gone to work on horseback in the Feroze Khan style.
3.Since NREGA work consists of building roads,hospitals etc,I could have actually contributed to nation building.
4.I wouldn't have required to give tests to prove my effciency at work.
5.My NREGA contractor wouldn't order to me to relocate from Rampur To Lakshmanpur for a project.
6.I could go to the village well(obviously on horseback) and hoot at the 'gaon ki goriyan' without the fear of a molestation case being filed against me(my dad is a zamindaar,don't forget!!)
7.Living in a gaon would have been so much cheaper.
8.I could have probably met Rahul Gandhi and all the foriegn dignitaries that he gets down to villages to see the 'real' India.
9.I wouldn't have needed facebook to play Farmville.
10.I could sell my land to some SEZ developer and earn big bucks for it.
11.But on a serious note life would have so much stabler.
I would have known where I would be,with whom I would be,what am I going to do etc.It's miserable if you think that you have lived with yourselves for 22 years and still don't know the answers to those questions but perhaps where I would be,will be clearer by 45-50,with whom,hopefully by 30(though the odds are pretty much stacked against that happening),and what am I gonna do in the next 5 years.Maybe all this is just arising coz I am scared about losing what I have right now,if I move ahead but then,I am not even sure if I have those things.
I am pretty sure,there must be a 100 cons about being a gaonwala too but I am not even thinking about them,coz right now I am plain pissed.I just realized you may be known for what you are,but you are also known for where you are from.So I'll make sure I don't enter TSEC version of a B-school.
I really wish I was born in a village in some Bollywood style evil zamindaar's household.Here's why:
1.I wouldn't really have required any education apart from basic reading and writing skills and despite that job won't have been issue coz the UPA government is trying to enforce NREGA(National Rural Employment Guarantee Act) efficiently.
2.Wouldn't have required to travel in trains,buses etc to got to work,infact I could have gone to work on horseback in the Feroze Khan style.
3.Since NREGA work consists of building roads,hospitals etc,I could have actually contributed to nation building.
4.I wouldn't have required to give tests to prove my effciency at work.
5.My NREGA contractor wouldn't order to me to relocate from Rampur To Lakshmanpur for a project.
6.I could go to the village well(obviously on horseback) and hoot at the 'gaon ki goriyan' without the fear of a molestation case being filed against me(my dad is a zamindaar,don't forget!!)
7.Living in a gaon would have been so much cheaper.
8.I could have probably met Rahul Gandhi and all the foriegn dignitaries that he gets down to villages to see the 'real' India.
9.I wouldn't have needed facebook to play Farmville.
10.I could sell my land to some SEZ developer and earn big bucks for it.
11.But on a serious note life would have so much stabler.
I would have known where I would be,with whom I would be,what am I going to do etc.It's miserable if you think that you have lived with yourselves for 22 years and still don't know the answers to those questions but perhaps where I would be,will be clearer by 45-50,with whom,hopefully by 30(though the odds are pretty much stacked against that happening),and what am I gonna do in the next 5 years.Maybe all this is just arising coz I am scared about losing what I have right now,if I move ahead but then,I am not even sure if I have those things.
I am pretty sure,there must be a 100 cons about being a gaonwala too but I am not even thinking about them,coz right now I am plain pissed.I just realized you may be known for what you are,but you are also known for where you are from.So I'll make sure I don't enter TSEC version of a B-school.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
R.I.P Boozigar
Now Daddy said,"It's fine sometimes."
Mommy said,"Khote!Don't even think!!",
But it just seemed a case of sour grapes(pun intended),
And so I began to drink.
What was the need for apples anyway,
If drinking had it's health benefits,
Beer was said to be good for digestion,
And Wine was to keep the heart fit.
Shivji had Bhaang,Indra Dev his Som Ras,
So surely drinking couldn't be a vice,
And maybe if I drank a bit more,
Some chick might get lost in my 'nashilee' eyes.
So I attacked all booze in the same way as,
Bush did on Baghdad and Kabul,
And I have never seen the glass half empty,
So I always kept mine full.
But something was amiss,coz Devdas on 'desi tharra',
Got love from both Madhuri and Aish,
While I couldn't even get a half decent female,
Despite finishing my Dad's imported stash.
I suddenly came to realize that,
the only nutrition I was getting,was vitamin Pee,
How did Johnny Walker ask me to "Keep Walking",
When even standing was difficult for me.
It wasn't peg size Saif talked about while,
saying "make it large",I suddenly got to know,
And then I realized,the money spent on booze,
Could have nearly bought me a Nano!!
Now even if Vijay Mallya was to adopt me,
Mommy,about boozing I won't even think,
For becoming the King of Good Times,
I am pretty sure I needn't drink.
Writing this was as hard as gulping down my first beer!!
Mommy said,"Khote!Don't even think!!",
But it just seemed a case of sour grapes(pun intended),
And so I began to drink.
What was the need for apples anyway,
If drinking had it's health benefits,
Beer was said to be good for digestion,
And Wine was to keep the heart fit.
Shivji had Bhaang,Indra Dev his Som Ras,
So surely drinking couldn't be a vice,
And maybe if I drank a bit more,
Some chick might get lost in my 'nashilee' eyes.
So I attacked all booze in the same way as,
Bush did on Baghdad and Kabul,
And I have never seen the glass half empty,
So I always kept mine full.
But something was amiss,coz Devdas on 'desi tharra',
Got love from both Madhuri and Aish,
While I couldn't even get a half decent female,
Despite finishing my Dad's imported stash.
I suddenly came to realize that,
the only nutrition I was getting,was vitamin Pee,
How did Johnny Walker ask me to "Keep Walking",
When even standing was difficult for me.
It wasn't peg size Saif talked about while,
saying "make it large",I suddenly got to know,
And then I realized,the money spent on booze,
Could have nearly bought me a Nano!!
Now even if Vijay Mallya was to adopt me,
Mommy,about boozing I won't even think,
For becoming the King of Good Times,
I am pretty sure I needn't drink.
Writing this was as hard as gulping down my first beer!!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Epiphany
Is it wrong to want something more than you need it?Or do you only want things that you need.
Just like anyone else,there have been a lot of things that I wish I could have had and just like anyone else I have had my fair share of disappointments.But if failure to have what you want is such a common thing for everyone,why does it hurt,each time that things don't fall into place and if it hurts that much,how do we get over it?Just imagine a scenario of hooking up with someone,there are 6.5 billion people in this world(I am including the possibility of a person being bisexual),if you like a person,what is the probability of that person liking you back..1/6500000000..even worse than possibilty of Bangladesh winning the World Cup or Chappell and Ganguly making up or Mayawati finding a husband or Veerappan winning the Nobel Prize ,I guess you get the meaning,then what is there to feel bad about?!!
Bottomline,we make it to be a big deal.We just hold on too tightly,we also fail to realize that as time passes even the things we want change/the thing we want changes,and we just hold on to the illusion that everything is the same.Even in the rare cases that we still want the same,we at some subconcious level realise that it is not to be but just don't have the courage of admitting it to even ourselves.
Just like the flow of river where you can't seggregate parts because contents(the water) in the part keeps changing and yet there is a continuity,so it is in life.You cannot define it by moments and people.Nothing in life is too important to let go or too paltry to hold on to. Life goes on regardless of everything else.Things change,people change,relationships change and so do we and our needs.Once you accept that,everything makes sense.
Just like anyone else,there have been a lot of things that I wish I could have had and just like anyone else I have had my fair share of disappointments.But if failure to have what you want is such a common thing for everyone,why does it hurt,each time that things don't fall into place and if it hurts that much,how do we get over it?Just imagine a scenario of hooking up with someone,there are 6.5 billion people in this world(I am including the possibility of a person being bisexual),if you like a person,what is the probability of that person liking you back..1/6500000000..even worse than possibilty of Bangladesh winning the World Cup or Chappell and Ganguly making up or Mayawati finding a husband or Veerappan winning the Nobel Prize ,I guess you get the meaning,then what is there to feel bad about?!!
Bottomline,we make it to be a big deal.We just hold on too tightly,we also fail to realize that as time passes even the things we want change/the thing we want changes,and we just hold on to the illusion that everything is the same.Even in the rare cases that we still want the same,we at some subconcious level realise that it is not to be but just don't have the courage of admitting it to even ourselves.
Just like the flow of river where you can't seggregate parts because contents(the water) in the part keeps changing and yet there is a continuity,so it is in life.You cannot define it by moments and people.Nothing in life is too important to let go or too paltry to hold on to. Life goes on regardless of everything else.Things change,people change,relationships change and so do we and our needs.Once you accept that,everything makes sense.
Friday, August 21, 2009
We..
I miss our times together,
I hated the fact they always seemed less,
I miss you telling me everything,
But I hated that you first made me guess.
I miss your senseless chatter,
I hated it when you were quiet,
I miss you giving me futile advice,
I hated it coz you were always right.
I miss the times I made you laugh,
I hated when you just put on a polite smile,
I miss that you grasped the most subtle jokes,
I hated that the grasping took a while.
I miss the funny arguments we had,
I hated that you always let me win,
I miss the times that you corrected me,
But I hated when you asked others to join in.
I miss all the fights that we had,
I hated that one of us needed to apologize,
I miss the crazy dreams that we shared,
I hate that those dreams we couldn't realize.
I miss the times we messed with each other,
I hate that it has now become a game,
I miss everything we ever had,
I hate it when you tell me,"it can't be the same".
Man this is really sappy and corny,so my realizations after writing this:
1.I should watch fewer chick-flicks n avoid gossip girl for some time.
2.I need to go for a gender test.
3.I was a definitely a chick in my previous life.
4.I need to start working soon!!!
I hated the fact they always seemed less,
I miss you telling me everything,
But I hated that you first made me guess.
I miss your senseless chatter,
I hated it when you were quiet,
I miss you giving me futile advice,
I hated it coz you were always right.
I miss the times I made you laugh,
I hated when you just put on a polite smile,
I miss that you grasped the most subtle jokes,
I hated that the grasping took a while.
I miss the funny arguments we had,
I hated that you always let me win,
I miss the times that you corrected me,
But I hated when you asked others to join in.
I miss all the fights that we had,
I hated that one of us needed to apologize,
I miss the crazy dreams that we shared,
I hate that those dreams we couldn't realize.
I miss the times we messed with each other,
I hate that it has now become a game,
I miss everything we ever had,
I hate it when you tell me,"it can't be the same".
Man this is really sappy and corny,so my realizations after writing this:
1.I should watch fewer chick-flicks n avoid gossip girl for some time.
2.I need to go for a gender test.
3.I was a definitely a chick in my previous life.
4.I need to start working soon!!!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Midnight Rant...
When I was a kid,I was told "Try,try,try until you succeed"(I still wonder why "try" was used 3 times,is that supposed to mean that you try 3 times before you give up?!!).
Anyway,as I grew up,I tried to follow this mule-headedly(I used to try more than 3 times),be it with studies,some skill or some girl.But at the same time I began to realise it was failing to work(I could have tried "trying" infinitely for certain things,but how can you do that when the given situation doesn't exist anymore!!).
So I was given a new mantra by people,"You can only get what you are destined to get".This was so much easier!!I could just chill out and wait for the Universe to hear my wishes and reward me what I am destined to get.But actually this worked worse than the first plan:my grades dropped,I led a stagnant life and was chick anti-magnate.I still had faith in the Universe,(in Rhonda Bryne too) but the universe nearly flunked me in my Physics paper(trust me,even though i appear indifferent towards everything,flunking in anything is still a big deal for me).So my love affair with the Universe ended.
And then I reached a compromise,"Do your best,Universe will do the rest".Well the success rate with this philosphy wasn't that great either,but it has worked since you cannot decide whom to blame when you fail.Whether I didn't do my best?Or the Gods were not with me?Pretty convenient :)...but then I have begun to have my doubts with this too.If you are supposed to do your best(i.e keep trying for what you want) and God will take care of rest(i.e he'll grant you what you deserve or are destined to have),then how to decide to what point do you keep trying?When should you be able to say,that I have given my best now?For that matter,how do you even know what is your best?
So my conclusion,which I am ready to admit might be totally wrong,is that we all do what we want at a given stage and just find something convenient to support it.There is no destiny,no best shot,it's just what you want to make of something in the moments that you have.
Anyway,as I grew up,I tried to follow this mule-headedly(I used to try more than 3 times),be it with studies,some skill or some girl.But at the same time I began to realise it was failing to work(I could have tried "trying" infinitely for certain things,but how can you do that when the given situation doesn't exist anymore!!).
So I was given a new mantra by people,"You can only get what you are destined to get".This was so much easier!!I could just chill out and wait for the Universe to hear my wishes and reward me what I am destined to get.But actually this worked worse than the first plan:my grades dropped,I led a stagnant life and was chick anti-magnate.I still had faith in the Universe,(in Rhonda Bryne too) but the universe nearly flunked me in my Physics paper(trust me,even though i appear indifferent towards everything,flunking in anything is still a big deal for me).So my love affair with the Universe ended.
And then I reached a compromise,"Do your best,Universe will do the rest".Well the success rate with this philosphy wasn't that great either,but it has worked since you cannot decide whom to blame when you fail.Whether I didn't do my best?Or the Gods were not with me?Pretty convenient :)...but then I have begun to have my doubts with this too.If you are supposed to do your best(i.e keep trying for what you want) and God will take care of rest(i.e he'll grant you what you deserve or are destined to have),then how to decide to what point do you keep trying?When should you be able to say,that I have given my best now?For that matter,how do you even know what is your best?
So my conclusion,which I am ready to admit might be totally wrong,is that we all do what we want at a given stage and just find something convenient to support it.There is no destiny,no best shot,it's just what you want to make of something in the moments that you have.
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