World Without Women..

“I dream of a world without women, they have been causing all the problems right from Helen of Troy causing a war between Greeks and Trojans to Katrina Kaif causing the one between Khans!”, yelled Ashray after he and Nishita had fought for the umpteenth time during the day.

“Fine, you are sleeping in the drawing room tonight”, Nishita yelled back.

Next Morning

Ashray wakes up, he finds the bedroom door still bolted; still angry at Nishita,he has breakfast,gets ready and leaves for office without the customary goodbye. He reaches the local railway station and hallelujah, the trains half empty. In his ecstasy of finding a place to sit, he completely ignores the fact that it’s only the ladies’ coaches.

He gets off at his destination and takes a rickshaw for office; the rickshawala seems to be in a jolly mood too, “Sir so less traffic problems today, seems like they are no women drivers”, he chuckled.

He reaches office and sees that his gorgeous receptionist is replaced by a menacing looking guy, he casually asks,”Where is Rosaline?”.The guy gives him a glare and says, “Haven’t you seen the papers?All the female population of the planet mysteriously vanished last night!”

“Wow!I should have wished for a billion dollars too!”

He walks and sees that his sentiments are echoed by all male colleagues.

“Nobody nagged me while watching cricket last night!”

“Nobody forced me to wash the dishes after dinner.”

“I didn’t have to watch Saas-Bahu serials while having dinner”

“I don’t have to endure shopping anymore!”.

“We are all free from being human calendars and having to celebrate anniversaries of First Eye Contact, First Conversation, First Gifts exchanged bla bla bla”. So on and so forth they all went.

Ashray thought this was Diwali, Christmas, Id, New Year all rolled into one.

Two months later

Ashray walks into office. No receptionist. He drags himself towards his computer and reads the latest news, the headline ‘Manmohan Singh government resigns as there is no Sonia Gandhi to direct them!’

The next one reads, ’Architects and Sculptors in U.P on verge of starvation as no new parks and statues are being commissioned with Mayawati gone'

He browses to the next page, ’Thousands jobless as general entertainment channels like Colors, Star, Zee, Sony shut down due to lack of viewership. Male viewership of News channels hit too due to absence of female news anchors’

He hopes that the international news might be better but it isn’t so, ‘Fears of US going into recession due to shutting down of FMCG giants like Loreal, Maybelline etc as well as Apparel/Accessories manufacturing firms’

He shuts off his PC, thinks about the past few days, schools being closed due to lack of teachers, people falling ill due hygiene issues in absence of Bais, people not getting proper treatment at hospitals for lack of nurses.

“Dude you won’t believe this,Bobby Darling has become the highest paid female actress surpassing Rakhi Sawant(yeah,somehow she survived)”,yelled somebody in office.

He has had enough and decides to leave for home, he switches on the TV and sees a cop in Bandra telling a reporter how his livelihood has been affected as there are no more couples at Bandstand to extort money from,he flips channels and sees Anil Kapoor and Himesh Reshammiya doing a commercial for Veet Hair removing cream.

This was the cherry of shit on a cake of sand, the world just can’t be worth living without women.

He puts a noose around his neck and steps off the chair,feels a tug at his neck and somebody yells,”You lazy moron,don’t you have to go to work?!”

He opens his eyes and sees Nishita trying to shake him awake and just mutters to himself,”I am so sorry!World without women isn’t a dream, it’s a nightmare!”

Written as an entry for a short story competition at Accenture..fingers crossed! :D

Raja Decides To Bare It All..

Despite his recent arrest by the CBI, former Telecom Minister A.Raja is supposedly on a roll.

Reports suggest that Raja is going Full Monty for the next issue of KhelBaalak,the Indian edition of men's magazine Playboy.Apparently,Playboy owner Hugh Hefner has been paid $1.76 million for this travesty on human senses to take place.

Repeated efforts to get in touch with the ex-Minister failed to yield any efforts until yesterday when Mr.Raja's Secretary,Illaiya Nunnuswami called a press conference,"Respected Karunanidhi has advised Raja Anna not to hide anything from public anymore and hence he has decided to take this step inspite of protests by Kanhimozi and Human Rights activists."

On being mentioned that the advice was metaphorical and not to be taken literally,Mr.Nunnuswami lost his temper,"You Kundi journalists!Always have a problem.This just shows Mr.Raja's honest intent and courageous nature."

Anurodh Nakedani, a NANGU(Nation Against Nightmares Generated by Unclad) activist was anguished,"If there was such a huge furore when a gorgeous person like Madhu Sapre posed naked, imagine what will happen when Raja poses naked.A whole generation will be scarred.We won't allow this!"

Mr.Raja's decision to take this bold step has been bolstered by the fact that he has been approached by Yash Raj Films to replace Aamir Khan as the supposed villain in Dhoom 3.A source closed to Aditya Chopra told us,"Dhoom 3 had to be big.When we came to know that Mr.Raja had already done a robbery of Rs 1.76 lakh crore, we couldn't see anybody else in the role.He is a natural con-artist!".

According to a condition laid down by Mr.Raja, Ms.Kanhmozi is also supposed to feature in the movie,where she'll do a reprise of Aishwarya Rai's Dhoom 2 chartbuster item number 'Crazy Kiya Re'.

Mr.Raja has also recieved support from various Telecom Companies,Shahid Balwa, promoter of Swan Telecom,a co-accused in the 2G scam,told us exclusively,"Mr.Raja had the best interests of common people in his heart.Since the country is already suffering from an 8% plus inflation,he purposely sold the spectrum at a lower value so that Telecom operators don't have to pass their costs to the customers,the aam aadmi!He should be awarded Bharat Ratna for his novel idea! "

Though things seemed to be taking a turn for the better for Mr.Raja, some people aren't ready to forgive him.Shabana,the President of ChAI(Chakka Association of India) was clearly upset with Mr.Raja,"Earlier we approached people using our regular catchphrase,'Ae Raja paisa de re' and people obliged willingly; now people think we are calling them 'A Raja' and get angry,a couple of us got beaten up by a veteran Gandhian in Bandra yesterday".According to Shabana,a PIL will be soon filed against Mr.Raja for affecting their livelihood.

Clearly a case which will be more fun to read about.

Redemption..

6.00 p:m-Just Another Weekday

A futile day.Just like the whole week,the whole month,to be truthful,the past 5 years.

He chuckled to himself as he gathered his stuff and walked out into the world that despite having been cruel,was still his only refuge.

It was drizzling;it didn't bother him;there are far worse things and he smiled to himself and started humming:

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head,

Just like a guy,

Whose feet are too big for his bed

His feet guided themselves;hell,he could have walked blindfolded if was asked to.Habits could be that effective.

1106 steps and he was at his destination.The guard saluted him,he walked up a flight of stairs and opened the door.He was always grateful to find these familiar faces that had been his companions for the past 4 years,perhaps the only faces that had smiled at him in ages.

If misery is relative,so is happiness.In that sense,he felt happy and at this moment he couldn't ask for more.

He walked towards the corner and kept his stuff.He remembered the first time he was here.

It was another set of familiar faces,though much dearer ones.This memory was a ritual too.Thinking about them. Nidhi's carefree laughter, Aniket's mind-numbingly pathetic jokes, Meneka's constant fretting about anything she could lay her eyes on, Ranvir's boasting and above all,his own happiness.The day his first book got published.

He tried to put away those thoughts,afterall he had to live in the present.He himself had written,'Better be slayed fighting with the present than be a prisoner of your past'.How could he forget?!

But it was all lost now.Nidhi, friends,a promising writing career.Afterall,what was left to salvage?

And yet,he knew there was still a part of him that at times felt that he could make things right.The part that made him think of the memory.The part that still had faith in his abilities.The part that believed in redemptions.

As he was musing,Rakesh's face appeared next to him,"Sir,the usual?Old Monk and lime?"

He looked towards his writing journal,unused in the past 5 years and smiled.Whom was he trying to fool?There is no redemption for the damned.He nodded,"Yeah,a large one and keep topping it up till you shut down". He rested his head on the seat,imagined what his life could have been and waited for his drink the same way he had done for the last 4 years.

Home Sweet Home..

Amit looked anxiously at his watch; it was 3.30 p:m,Nikhil should have been back from school by now.

He looked at all the guests in his house and cursed under his breath.

They had to move today.The third time in the past 2 months, all just because of Nishita;she was always finding faults with whatever house they had been moving in.A number of times he had tried to find out her problem,but she just wasn't ready to speak,as if he didn't even exist for her.Something to do with her job probably,he had seen her upset and crying quite a few times.On top of all that,these guests!Why did her parents force her to organize a havan today?!Guess it was just another bad day in the making.

3.45 p.m.Finally,Nikhil reaches home.Amit can see that Nikhil's day has been equally bad.As soon as he sees his father,the 7 year old runs,hugs him,and starts sobbing,"I missed the school bus again.I was raising my hand on all the questions but Sharma Mam ignored me and when I started crying,she left the class.Is Mamma still angry?".Amit consoles him,"Everything will be fine once we move to some other place.Mamma needs some time alone.When she misses us,she'll call us herself"

"But I don't want to go.We left Mamma alone last month as well!"

Amit gets slightly irritated,"Nikhil,go wash your hands,eat something and pick your bag;we are leaving in 15 minutes.In any case,this place is getting too noisy for me.I don't like your Mother spending time with,of all things,religious type of people now!"

Nikhil timidly obeys.

The noise from inside gets louder.

"Nikhil,hurry!!!"

A gust of wind,sounds of bells clanging,smoke drifting from the holy fire,a chorus of voices chanting,"May peace and salvation be attained by the wandering souls!Peace for everyone!In the world of the living and in the world of the dead!!!"

Nishita starts crying,"No!No!Don't make them go away!Amit,Nikhil!Oh God,why did I have to survive the fire?!Why didn't I die with you?!"

Amit grabs Nikhil's hand and starts running away.Until the next time..

The Stalker..

Since the first time I saw her,

She was all that occupied my mind,

It was hard to believe she was for real,

I had to know,all I could find.

She was the one who was desired by all,

and she gave that pleasure to quite a few,

But I decided I was nobody to judge her,

because deep inside I wanted her too.

They said,'You can't completely trust her,

One day she's with you,the next she's not,

And yet you couldn't ever doubt her,

she was all you had ever sought'.

I felt I couldn't let her out of my sight,

or she would be lost to me forever,

I thought about her when she slept,

and when she was awake,I followed her.

I gathered courage,called out to her many times,

And still she never took notice of me,

The closer I came,the further she moved,

as if scared of being in my proximity.

They labelled me just another crazy stalker,

But to be with her,my soul I would sell,

Don't laugh at me,coz' if you too aren't with her,

Then,like me,one day you'll be stalking Happiness as well.

Inspired by listening Radiohead through the day,followed by 'Every breath you take',the next morning,which I feel should be officially selected as Stalker's Anthem :D

Till Pranked We Stay Apart..

1st April 2015,Mumbai Airport

"Ouch..what was that for?!"

"Ashray,we have been married for 2 years now,stop staring at other women!"

"Nia,I swear I wasn't checking her out,it was her bag,it will look so awesome with this dress of yours"

"Yeah..".Another whack to Ashray's head."Now what was that for?!"

"That was for trying to use something you know is my weakness to distract me!You think I am some kid?!"

"No,I swear..".Nia cuts him off,"Fine!You think the bag looks nice,lets go and ask her,where she got it from."

"Hi,this is my husband Ashray,he was wondering where you got this bag from,and Ashray this is.."

"I am Prerna,glad to meet you,although I must say it's a bit weird".Awkward smiles exchanged.

"Don't mind my wife,she enjoys embarrasing me;putting me in tight spots is her way of passing time."

Prerna smiles,"So where are you guys heading?".Nia replies,"Maldives.".Ashray chips in,"Our 2nd anniversary"

"Oh,when is it?".Ashray makes a face,"Today".Prerna laughs,"Hey c'mon I know it's 1st April but give me a break!"

Nia starts laughing,"No,I am serious,we got married on April 1".Prerna looks at both of them and says,"Why would you ever do that,did people really buy it when you told them about it?"

Ashray looks at Nia grumpily and says,"Well that's a story."

"I am looking forward to hearing it."

Nia can't control her laughter,"Oh Ashray,what the hell!Tell her."

1st April 2013,Family Court

"I am scared".

"Stop whining Ashray,it isn't as if I have got you here to get a full body wax!'

"I wouldn't mind exchanging that for this,this is like committing suicide!"

"Talk like this for a couple more minutes and this place would become a crime scene,that too a murder one!"

"You can't force me into getting married"

"Ashray,let's go over the basics again,you are the guy and I am the girl;I am supposed to be nervous and you are supposed to be taking care of me!"

"You should have thought of that before running from home and then asking me to the same.I didn't even tell Mom!"

"Ass!What would you have me do,serve pakodey and chai to Sharmaji and family!And what would you have told Aunty,'Mummy,Nia has run away from home and is asking me to do the same,if you allow me,we can run away together?Please,Please!'.Go and meet Karan Johar,he would cast you without an audition in his next movie,'My name is Momma's Boy'"

"But Mom could have talked to Uncle and Aunty!".Whack."What was that for?"

"Dumbo,look at you and look at Sharmaji's son,you really think you stand a chance?!It's like Great Khali vs Rajpal Yadav,no holds barred!"

"But,you literally kidnapped me!"

"Yeah,go and tell the cops that my girlfriend of 3.5 years kidnapped me and is trying to molest me"

"Fine!Who is going to be the witness?"

"Don't worry,I talked to the Taxi Driver and the Security guard"

"Wow!What a Baraat!"

Signatures done,pronounced husband and wife.Nia gets a call.

"Nia didi,where are you?Mamma Papa are worried"

"Riddhi,Ashray and me got married,I am putting you on speaker".Long silence,"Didi,what was the hurry?"

"Arre Riddhi,the whole Sharma Uncle's son thing,and he was going to come today to see me!Did you expect me to catwalk in our verandah for them?!"

"Didi,they knew about Ashray and they like him as well,they did all this drama so that you confess,you were so secretive as if you were dating Osama and CIA was asking for his whereabouts?!They've been asking you for the 3 years and I told dad that it would be a nice Fools' thing too!"

Nia loses it,"You bitch!You call yourselves a sister?!Even a Nazi would be less cruel than you!"

Ashray starts crying,"I got married because of a prank!You dumb,over reacting,insane,cranky,filmy female.I was just 27,my whole life ahead of me.I am ruined!I told you to watch less movies;who elopes these days?!"

Whack."Shut up!You still have your life ahead of you,I am your wife,not Yamraaj"

"Wife!"

1st April,2015,Mumbai Airport

Ashray:"Well that was our story"

Nia:"I'll be back from the ladies' room"

Prerna smiles,"Well,I'll make a move,nice meeting you guys,thanks for the story"

10 minutes later

"Nia,here's the bag.I told you,you never believe me"

"What did you tell her?".Ashray winks,"Just that you were terminally ill and I am fulfilling all your wishes in the 2 months that Doctors have given you"

"You are such an ass!"

"Oh come on!What better way than a prank to celebrate our anniversary".And they both start laughing.


Phew..long one!

Pakistan Cricket's Woes Continue

'How the Mighty have fallen.'The words of a Pakistani Cricket Team supporter after they lost to Afghanistan in the Asian Games cricket event.

Though many feel that this loss to Afghanistan was at behest of the Pakistan Cricket Board(PCB) as goodwill gesture for appointing Rashid Latif,the former Pakistan wicketkeeper as their coach,for with his English and Cricketing skills,he would have starved to death otherwise,many feel it was another example of the pathetic state of the Pakistan Cricket Team.

The past 2 years has seen them lose, 10 of 19 and 26 of 38 of their Tests and ODIs respectively.The only saving grace believed to be the T20 world cup win in 2009.

But the real downfall started in 2002,when 6 suspected HUJI terrorists failed in their plot to kidnap Indian cricketers,Sachin Tendulkar and Saurav Ganguly.

A source from PISS(Pakistan International Sportsmen Society),on condition of anonimity told us,"Unlike what the Indian authorities believe that the two would have been ransomed in exchange of jailed terrorists,Pakistan would have given citizenship to the two and asked them to play for us.This plot was formulated by our smartest cricketer,Shoaib Malik,who has an IQ of 31".Incidentially,his batting average is higher than his IQ.

Many also blame this failed bid to kidnap the two Indian stars as the reason for spot-fixing scandal that has plagued the Pak cricket team.Sir Illaiya Nunnuswami,a British lawyer associated with CRAB(Cricketers Regularly Accused of Betting) told us in a matter-of-fact tone,"Had this plot succeeded,who knows how much money PCB would have made.There would have been no need for players to indulge in spot-fixing.After all,Sachin's yearly income would be way higher than the Market Capitalisation of all the companies on Karachi Stock Exchange put together"

Mohammed Amir,the 18-year-old pace sensation,who was in the eye of the storm during the spot-fixing scandal sounded disappointed,"After the publicity that Kasab got,even terrorists from my village were getting higher wages than our international cricketers.What would you have me do,throw no-balls or hand grenades?"

A source close to the team said,"Bismillah-al-Rehman-al-Rahim.Sabse pehle Allah taala ka shukriya karunga.Boys aajkal bahut maayus hain.Aur vo jaun se serial mein Veena Malik ko 'Aaashmit Aaashmit' karte dekh ke toh janaab khoon khaul jaata hai.Bechara Asif.Boys itni achchi performance dete hain,us begairat aurat se zaada achchi acting karte hain,phir bhi unki thoo-thoo hoti hai.Boys ki khwahish hai ki wo ek Hollywood movie mein act karein.Insha-Allah,we bounce back!".

There are unconfirmed reports that M.Night Shyamalan,whose directorial ventures have just been falling apart like the Pakistani Team,has been approached by Shoaib Akhtar to direct a movie with him as the lead and Virender Sehwag as his nemesis.

There has also been discontent over the PCB banning Twitter and Facebook for Pakistani cricketers.Nilofer Bano,chairperson PETA(Pakistan English Teachers' Association),was pretty much outraged,"I myself know of 3 cricketers who have spent their whole annual income to learn English so that they can Tweet without shame.Is this the way PCB would encourage the spirit of learning and considering how less they play these days,they need Facebook for timepass,don't they?!"

But there is hope that all is not lost yet,the Pakistani Team is embarking on a tour of Newzealand to face the Black Caps who were beaten black and blue by Bangladesh and India(4-0 and 5-0 respectively) recently.Waqar Younis,the current Pakistani Coach before embarking on this tour,said,"This is the best possible preparation we can have for the World Cup 2011".No one could disagree with him on that one!