Breaking News - New Batch of Pakistani Terrorists Demands Pay Hikes!

After Sania Mirza getting married to Shoaib Malik,floods and the match-fixing scandal,it seems there's more bad news in store for Pakistan.

It is learnt that Jehadi Groups are facing a huge resource crunch due to reluctance of newly trained terrorists to work at existing wage structures.

Here's what Jalal Lahori,MD of POTTY(Pakistani Organization for Troubled Teenaged Youth),one of the top placement agencies for terrorists had to say,"Janaab,it is all the fault of your Kalmadi!He makes so much money,gets to meet so many celebrities,is minting money like an IIM-A Grad and yet he has scared away more foreigners from India than all our attacks put together,that too with zero life risk!Hamare ladkon ka motivation hi chala gaya hai!"

Kasim Hatela,a recent passout from IIT-Lahore(International Institute of Terrorism) said,"Earlier my idol was Ajmal Kasab,now I worship Kalmadi Sahib!"

It is also being reported that there is a sharp decline in people enrolling for courses like B.E(Bachelors in Extremism) and B.TECH(Bachelors in Terrorism,Extremism & Causing Havoc).

Prof.Jehadi,a teacher at IIT-Lahore was found ruing,"Our students have been missing out on lucrative assignments in the U.S and Europe since MNCs like Al-Qaeda and Hamas have started recruiting in countries like Somalia and Iraq because of cost factors.Now with India falling out of favour of our students,on-shore opportunities have reduced to Afghanistan and honestly Taliban isn't the best place to start your career."

Pakistan's economy has been severly affected,with unemployment rates rising by around 20% in the last 3 months to reach record highs.

Ghooskhor Butt,a spokesperson for the Labour Ministry of Pakistan said,"I know,Terrorism is our only export but I assure you that the issue is being closely monitored but do you expect any better when unemployment rate in the U.S itself is touching the double-digit mark!"

According to reliable sources,Immensely Scared Idiots or Inter-Services Intelligence(ISI),the Pakistani Intelligence Agency chiefly reponsible for planning and organising attacks against India is facing a huge financial crunch and hence is unwilling to offer any financial incentives to these resources.

This financial crunch is being attributed to overstaffing at the time of the floods,as the top brass believed the Aid money pouring in from around the world could be diverted to them.Sadly,the inflow of aid was worse than the water supply in South Mumbai.

Meanwhile good samaritans like Dawood Ibrahim have stepped forward,"We will cross-train these young men,so that they can start working in sectors like Betting,Extortion and Supari Killings and earn their rightful livelihood."

Some sections have voiced that Pakistani athletes at the Commonwealth Games should be replaced by these unemployed terrorists.Pheku Rehman,an Islamabad resident was quoted saying,"Look,these boys have undergone rigorous training and frankly are medal prospects in events like Shooting and Athletic events like Long Jump,High Jump and Marathons.I am ready to bet my beard that our Kasab could beat your Abhinav Bindra on any given day!"

Bejan Soberwala,a reputed numerologist commented that the conflicting position of Saturn and Mercury has enraged Ganesha and this will cause further mayhem in Pakistan.On being asked for a remedy,he said, "I urge Shoaib Malik to divorce Sania Mirza,Shoaib Akhtar to stop using his fake accent and Parvez Musharraf to simply shave his moustache to change the position of the planets".

While the direct victims are many,an unsuspecting victim of this whole episode is the Pakistan's life insurance industry which provides low-premium insurance cover to Jehadis,though Farid Afridi,Chairperson of LIC(Lashkar-e-Insurance Companies) said that the situation is not permanent,"People taking Fidayeen packages have definitely reduced but all we need is another 9/11 to reverse the trend.Inshallah our prayers will be answered."

Meanwhile,after this news broke out across the border in India, Mr.Suresh Kalmadi is being considered a strong contender for next year's Bharat Ratna Award.

Bakbak Banerjee,a leading security expert summed it up,"There have been no attacks since the Feb blasts in Pune and infilitration has dropped since news about the mismanagement at Games started to appear.What our Security Forces,Diplomatic Missions couldn't do in 60 years,Mr.Kalmadi has done in 6 months"

Truly as Mr.Kalmadi has reiterated time and again,"These are the Best Games Ever"

Stay..

We never promised any happy endings,
Weren't we simply Lovers in time of need?
Oh!Just wipe away those tears,
Before all shackled memories are freed.

Naked & unprotected tears leave us to our past,
& memories are spirits that only time can exorcize,
Fine,let us play out this final act as well,
though suffering will be its only prize.

Perfection was what we saw in each other,
& love simply nourishes on a diet of illusion,
Yet when reality crashlanded our flights of fantasy,
with each other,we simply couldn't be done.

We became a series of questions to each other,
answers to which we couldn't find,
and now that I could forget about it all,
I'll prefer those questions to the silence in my mind.

Forgotten by all,travelling unfamiliar roads,
Once we had found solace in each other's company,
Now,so close to finding my way back,
Lost with you is what I'd rather be.

So let's hang on for one more time,
It'll be a rough voyage I know,
Happiness,we might be able to give up awhile,
But you are the hope that I can't let go.



Random scribbling about how you always while breaking-up suddenly realize that let's give it another shot.

Bhaiya In Mahrashtra...

Took the train from Patna Junction,
Next day I landed at Kalyan,
I had to reach somehow to Dharavi,
where already I have half my 'gaanv'.

Everyone kept yelling 'Pudhe Chalaan Bhaiya',
Though I had never tied rakhi on their hands,
I though it meant 'Ram-Ram',yelled it back at them,
And in return got a thrashing,grand.

Somehow finally made it to Dharavi,
On the spot,I was given a new ration card,
Then they started a fight over whether I'll be,
a Taxiwalla,Dudhwalla or Security Gaurd.

One day while waiting for fare in Dadar,
I played Ravi Kisen's latest Bhojpuri soundtrack,
Suddenly I was surrounded by 'background dancers',
who beat me up into lot more colours than blue & black.

I am an alien,I am a beaten alien,
I am a Bhaiya in Maharshtra!

I learned basic Marathi faster than a Sehwag century,
Told 'Dhagala Lagli' was my favourite song,
And I thought my 'beat'-fication was over,
But how I was to be proved wrong.

Just like Pakistan blames India for everything,
Be it floods,match-fixing or a crashed plane,
So was I blamed for every wrong here,
They loved me as much as Bush loved Saddam Hussein.

And one morning I read in 'Amar Ujala',
that BBC(Beat-Up Bhaiya Campaign) was launched with fanfare,
It was worthy of being a Marketing Case Study in any B-school,
It was that successful here.

On the train back,I told my story to one Kamal R Khan,
Moved,he made a movie on it,with himself as the star,
And since people got to know the culprit behind this disaster,
I am beaten up daily even in Bihar.




Gaanv-Village
Pudhe Chalaan-Move ahead


Disclaimer-My name is Tickoo and I am not a Bhaiya!

This is an Indian take on Sting's 'Englishman in New York'...I just hope nobody finds it offensive coz it's all in good humour and if he/she still does,I promise to vote for MNS in the next elections to make up for it!Jai Hind,Jai Maharashta!

A Stone's Throw Away From..

Shouts..angry shouts..shouts that made your blood boil even more with rage or could make your skin crawl with fear depending on which side you stood.

Till a week back,Azhar could never have imagined being one of 'them',"the disgruntled unemployed misguided youth" as they were portrayed by most.

The face that lit up on seeing anyone,was today covered in a mask;the hands that healed,were today willing to hurt;the dream of seeing peace prevail one day,replaced by a simple lust for revenge,and then Dr.Azhar Siddiqui thought,"Shit happens!".

And yet he couldn't escape thinking,"How did it all come to this?"

Another crowd,another cacophony of angry shouts;Iftikar Chacha had died in an accident with a police vehicle.

All we wanted was an inquiry into the incident.

Amin,Anam's little brother,all of 7,and just like a kid his age would do,nagged his Ammi into letting him join us in the procession moving towards the police station.Somebody stopped us as we neared the place,all we could hear at the back were snippets of an argument.Tempers flared,somebody throws a stone,a couple of gunshots and it's commotion all around.

"Amin!Stay with me!",I yelled without looking,as I felt his grip on my hand changing,and when I looked at him,those words had no meaning anymore.

He lay on the ground,his small hands unable to cover the large blood spatters on his kurta.


I stand infront of Anam,my head down.We buried Amin an hour ago.

"Azhar,look me in the eye."

I slowly lift my gaze to meet hers.

"I know what they are planning to do,you are not going to be a part of it;it isn't right!"

I flare up,all the guilt,anger,frustration comes out,"Wrong and right can only be decided by might."

She shakes her head and simply says,"When will this end,Azhar?When?"


And here I am,with a stone and a choice on my hand,a legacy and a so-called enemy infront of me.

And why are they an enemy?Would I have done something different in their place,surrounded by an angry crowd which could have turned violent anytime?Maybe.But how can I condemn someone's action if I am not sure what would my reaction be?

My anger,my hurt is justified;violence?I guess not.Though it is the easiest and probably the most satisfying way to react to hurt,but is it the best?Probably not.

Yes I might be able to hurt one or two of them,I might create a stir in their ranks but is it going to bring a change to the human instinct for survival when cornered?Definitely not.

So how is what I am doing,going to stop what happened from happening again?

And then I thought of Anam,the hopelessness on her beautiful face.Anam,I know,I know,how this is going to end!Atleast for once,somebody has to learn to forgive.

The arm which was ready to hurl,relaxes;the tightly held stone,falls out of Azhar's hand.

He only wishes that he could have realized it when his heart was shattered by grief and not by a bullet,but what he regrets most is not being able to share his epiphany with Anam.He hopes that God judges him well for these final moments.He removes the mask and smiles his last smile.


Today as Azhar's funeral procession moves away from his house,Anam looks at it from her doorstep,covers her face,picks up a stone lying on the ground and starts walking the other way.



Wrote it a couple of months back(before Lamhaa released!),have tried my best to be non-judgemental coz anybody who is not in that situation,doesn't have a right to judge those who are.

Celebrity..An Ode To Paris Hilton et al

I know it's a mission impossible,
like FIFA World Cup featuring the Indian team,
But like every middle class person,
becoming a celebrity is my dream!

A cricketer,a movie star,a politician,
Even being a Pg 3 personality would do,
Forgetting all concerns over human dignity,
I'll readily act in a K-serial too.

Even being dumb would make news,
People would finally listen to my drunken rants,
Every stupidity could become a new style statement,
including going out partying without any underpants!

My inactive blog would have visitors and comments,
I could even tweet about time I spent in the toilet,
And if anybody ever finds anything offensive,
I could simply claim that they always misinterpret.

Women who tried to get rid of me by tying rakhis,
would want me to hold a 'swayamvadhu',
I'll throw tantrums publicly for a change,
Because that's what a celeb is supposed to do!

Pretty easy to become one,that aliens kidnapped my cows,
to some news channel I could tell,
I could ask someone to forcibly kiss me,
or simply fall down a tubewell.

After a couple of weeks..

Damn,it's hard to find tubewells in city,
& Bobby Darling was the only celeb willing to kiss me,
though Abhishek and John may have made it cool,
a Gay Icon,I ain't ready to be.

But I assure that there'll be a time when,
they'll bid for my used toilet paper on e-Bay,
So my Dad turns overnight into Vijay Mallya,
is something I have begun to daily pray!



Had fun writing this one..visualizing people like Paris Hilton,Lindsay Lohan,Kamal R Khan in my mind,had started on it a month back and then had put it on a backburner..already started working like a celeb! :P

Paimona..

Sometimes,you just have an indefinable craving to share what you have experienced :).Below is the translation of a Persian poem written by Omar Khayyam.I came across it on another blog.Advise you to check out its rendition by Zeb and Haniya which is one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard.

Bring me the chalice, so I may lose myself,
for, I'm in love with my Beloved’s intoxicating Gaze.
Your Eyes light up my secret garden
Your Face makes luminous every rose therein.
Face like a flower, it give petals their sweet fragrance
The mystic land of my Beloved is placeless.

I'm in love with my Beloved’s intoxicating Gaze,
Bring! bring! so I may annihilate myself.
Bring me the chalice, so I may lose myself.

If I hear the message of Your sacred arrival,
Under Your feet, I will spread a carpet of flowers.
Spread flowers, Spread rose flowers,
I will sacrifice myself at the dust of Your feet.
Bring me the chalice, so I may lose myself,
I'm in love with my Beloved’s intoxicating Gaze.

Journey Without End..

Date: 23rd October, 2007.

Alarm rings, wake up, brush your teeth, have a bath, breakfast, grab the newspaper, head out for college, catch the 7.30 a.m train for Bandra.

Every special day starts with the same ordinary things.

Jostle through the sea of humanity, get on the train; mission accomplished.

Vacant seat found, the feeling is equivalent to winning the World Cup for a rush-hour traveler in a Mumbai local.

I settle down and open the crossword, and can God be any crueler! I see an aged woman standing right in front of me. Times have changed, Knights of the Past have been replaced by harried commuters and Fair Princesses by Aged Women. I vacate my seat, half-chivalrous, half-grumpy and start looking around for a place to stand and that’s when time stops for me; There she stood in all her glory, in the Ladies compartment, smiling at me from across the grille.

If my life was some Hollywood movie, I am sure James Blunt would have started crooning,

“I saw your face, in a crowded place,

And I don’t know what to do?”

Now considering that I am no Tom Cruise (or even Shakti Kapoor), girls only smile at guys like me when we are making a fool of ourselves. The top 3 possible explanations in my mind, ”My fly is open.”, “ I have a stupid expression on my face.”, “I am dreaming.” . Check the fly, put on a serious expression, pinch myself and she still smiles. All three explanations nullified!

It takes a shove from some jerk to bring me back to Local-Trainland; I do what any sane person would have done at first go, I smile back. She waves and if love at first wave existed, I think I had it.

I had one special thing added to the list of ordinary things each morning; her smiling and waving at me. I say, forget getting AC coaches, just get a pretty female to smile at you from across the coach, local train travel becomes so tolerable.

I kept moving closer to the partition each day, feeling like Moses parting the Red Sea (in my case, smelly people) in slow motion. And one fine day I am standing next to her; we start chatting as if we have known each other for ages (which we have, right?). That 1 hr of travelling together, slowly becomes the best hour of the day for both of us, and one fine day, I find the courage to ask her, “Do you mind travelling in my compartment?”

She starts laughing, “I thought you were going to ask something else.”

And realizing, it was my cue to do, as they say colloquially, ”Chance Pe Dance”, I say, ”What if I did ask you what you thought I would?”

She smiles and replies, “You really are the Slow Local”.

And then we became one compartment from two!

Life couldn’t have been better. Time flew by like the stations going past, memories crowding our minds like people getting in.

23^rd October 2009, our 2^nd Anniversary, we are both done with college and have started working; I want to take her out for shopping. She insists we travel by train, “It is what brought us together, you know.”

It is drizzling steadily, the train is unusually empty. We both are standing at the door (Only a Mumbaiikar can find such a setting romantic). We feel as close to each other as we have ever felt. We look outside but think about each other.

Out of nowhere, there is a huge jolt, the compartment is in the air and gets off the track(I later get to know a pipeline fell on the train); I see her falling out of the door, my hand reaching out to her…

...there is a sudden jolt, I wake up, she, my wife now, is smiling at me, “We have reached Bandra and I don’t need to be saved again, oldie!” . I look down to find that I am holding her hand tight, just the way I had held it 40 years back on that day. I smile,”Just making sure I don’t end any journey without you, alone.

Author's Note - Got myself medically tested after writing this, Testosterone levels were at an all-time low :D

First Post after getting an Editor.Thanks Jules :)