Objects Of Affection..

The crowded dance floor,

Stalling at the door,

memories each moment,

new footprints on seashore.

Countlessly re-read notes,

That lent winter coat,

Needing each other like,

the shipwrecked on a boat.

The lost favourite scarf,

The beer drunk half,

Still searching together,

finding no new reasons to laugh.

Empty photoframes,

Once fondly used nicknames,

Us changing each day,

yet trying to be the same.

The perfume's whiff,

U2 playing that melancholic riff,

not wanting to let go through,

the last unresolved tiff.

Tickets from the rock show,

A skidding car on snow,

Two years & still burning,

in your afterglow.

INXS's Afterglow and U2's With or Without You :P

Who Let The Dogs Out?!

That is the question which has raised a furor amongst many a political and self-proclaimed moral policing outfits after the elopement of a female Cocker-Spaniel with a male Boxer,from Bandra,a suburb in Mumbai.

Binabaat Raadakar,spokesperson for Parvati Army which is at the forefront of the protest,on being approached,had this to say,"This is intolerable.Do you know who the Boxer is owned by?!A Bhaiya!We shall kidnap all bitches from UP to extract vengeance!"

On being asked if there were no relevant issues to raise,Mr.Raadakar was scathing,"How are we to survive?!Bigger political parties steal all our cool ideas like beating up cabbies,burning books,vandalizing colleges etc.We have filed a case of IPR(Intelligence to Properly Riot) violation against all such outfits."

Meanwhile,UP Chief Minister Mayawati has decided to replace the statues of 12,34,234 Elephants that she has built across UP using public money,with that of the canine couple and hold a State Banquet in their honour.This is what she had to say,"She chose the dog from UP because Uttar Pradesh is Uttam Pradesh!My generous gesture for the couple is also a message to Rahul Gandhi and agitating farmers in Noida,'Make Love,Not War'",following it up with a flying kiss.

Last heard,Rahul Gandhi has gone into hiding after receiving this message from Ms.Mayawati.

Meanwhile,a Khap Panchayat in Haryana is also up in arms against this union and has declared that the couple be stoned on sight,"How can they marry?!!I have traced their pedigree and the couple belongs to the same Gotra!".A reward of 10000 bones has also been declared for any dog which might possess any information about the couple.

Meanwhile,Pakistan has raised this issue to attack India in international circles,Bakwaas Sayani,Pakistani Representative to the UN told the media,"Janaab,have you ever heard of a dog being harmed in Pakistan?70 people may die in blasts daily but there are no casualties of dogs".In a huge gaffe he added,"Hamare vatan mein har kutte ka istiqbal(welcome) hai!".Reports suggest that attacks by Taliban have intensified after this statement.

Jairam Ramesh,the Minister for Environment who is also handling Animal Welfare Department,on being approached,assaulted our reporter,"I don't give a shit about dogs!I just care about CAT!Tell me,do you thinks IITs,IIMs are world class?Tell me!",to which our reporter replied,"No Idea",at which point Abhishek Bachchan appeared out of nowhere and our reporter had to flee the scene.

Even Bollywood has displayed interest in this story and reports suggest that Ekta Kapoor,the head of Balaji Telefilms is joining hands with popular film director Karan Johar to produce a TV show tentatively titled 'Kahani Kutton Kay-It's all about loving your Pets'.Rakhi Sawant and Dolly Bindra are said to be pitching for the lead role.

However the couple has found an unlikely supporter in veteran actor Dharmendra,he said,"All my life I have been threatening the canine community about drinking their blood,this is my chance for redemption;the couple is welcome at my home,they can take Bobby's room,ullu da pattha still can't get a hit movie without me!"

The couple which has maintained silence so far,has requested PETA(Please Engage Troubling Assholes) to act on their behalf.Illaiya Nunnuswami, PETA Chairman, made this statement,"Clearly,the nation has gone to the dogs, but the dogs of the nation have epitomized the ideals of Love,Tolerance and Co-existence we were once famous for".

Clearly,our nation has 99 problems,but a bitch ain't one!

Asteroids..

A couple of wanderers,

travelling towards a common destination,

Protagonists in a fairy tale,

who triumph over any situation.

But neither is there an end to this journey,

Nor a happy ending to this tale,

and yet we soldier on ahead,

on a quest most say,is bound to fail.

On set paths in space,

Like asteroids we all glide,

and somewhere,somehow,something,

makes our paths coincide.

You and me drew each other,

Thanked our destinies,thanked the Universe,

Failing to realize that when our paths met,

We simply were set on a collision course.

And when the inevitable collision happened,

Everyone believed us to be broken and shattered,

While I simply said,'We have changed,

losing parts of ourselves that never mattered'.

And now we set forth again,

on newer paths,of old remembrances devoid,

until we meet again somewhere,

you and me,asteroids.

Rusty stuff! :P

Laloo Jumps Onto The IIM Bandwagon..

With the HRD Ministry of UPA-II on a spree of setting up new IIMs across India,their former coalition partner,RJD chief and ex-CM of Bihar,Laloo Prasad Yadav has announced the setting up of a new IIM in Patna.

Mr.Yadav announced this in a press conference held last evening at his residence."I see Bihar now,and everybody wants to make an honest living;is this the spirit that I wished to inculcate through 10 years of my rule,where is the spirit of Jugaad,of making a quick buck?!!With this intent I propose to set up Institute of Illegalities and Malpractices(IIM),Patna by next year".

Although his detractors suggest that the reason behind this move was Mr.Yadav having too much time at hand after his political career nosedived post Bihar elections,according to sources close to him,he was disillusioned with how often scams were being exposed and corruption was being persecuted."The movement for Lokpal Bill was a wake-up call for him and he decided he had to use his experience and expertise to give an edge over the system to the new generation of corrupt officials".

Sources also suggest that initial talks were to establish the institute in Lucknow,but it was felt that this would provide free publicity to IIM-L,an institute established by the Indian Government.Former CVC Chief PJ Thomas has agreed to take up the role of Dean of the Institute.

Mr.Yadav's PA,Pappu Misra told us exclusively,"Laloo Sir has the perhaps the best credentials for such an enterprise;he's been involved in numerous scams both at State and National level,also he's been taking guest lectures at institutes like IIM-A,so he knows what the competition is like".

A.Raja,Suresh Kalmadi,Lalit Modi and Mayawati have been appointed as a part of the permanent faculty while there are talks with internationally known figures such as golfer Tiger Woods, cricketer Salman Butt and politicians such as former Egypt PM Hosni Mobarak,Pakistan President Asif Zardari amongst others to join as Visiting Faculty.

The selection as of now would be held through CAT(Crime Aptitude Test),however having a criminal record is mandatory for appearing for it.

The institute is also planning to start an Executive Program for politicians,bureaucrats and criminals with more than 50 criminal cases against them.

A number of corporates and government agencies have given an enthusiastic response to this proposal.A senior level bureaucrat in the Central Government had this to say,"This is an incredible step,earlier we had to mentor young entrants,educate them about corrupt practices,had to teach them how to stop listening to their conscience thereby reducing our efficiency;I hope the government makes it mandatory for all applicants for Public Sector jobs!"

ADAG,DB Realty,Maharashtra Government have already confirmed their presence at the Placement Process.Pakistan Government has also shown some interest,which is an incentive for those seeking placements abroad.

Mr.Yadav though has a word of caution,"Corruption is no child's play.There are a lot of risks involved,with this in mind we have designed the curriculum to include a 2-week stint in Tihar Jail as a part of the CSR(Crime's Subsidiary Result) programme".

However,this wasn't morbid enough to deter Illaiya Nunnuswami,24,an IIM-P aspirant from Chennai was happy beyond measure,"This is the best news I have heard in years.All my life I wanted to be a corrupt babu and looked upto people like Mr.Kalmadi,now getting an opportunity to be able to learn from people like him is a boon!!God could not have been kinder!".

Clearly,it's time to dare to think beyond the IIPMs!

World Without Women..

“I dream of a world without women, they have been causing all the problems right from Helen of Troy causing a war between Greeks and Trojans to Katrina Kaif causing the one between Khans!”, yelled Ashray after he and Nishita had fought for the umpteenth time during the day.

“Fine, you are sleeping in the drawing room tonight”, Nishita yelled back.

Next Morning

Ashray wakes up, he finds the bedroom door still bolted; still angry at Nishita,he has breakfast,gets ready and leaves for office without the customary goodbye. He reaches the local railway station and hallelujah, the trains half empty. In his ecstasy of finding a place to sit, he completely ignores the fact that it’s only the ladies’ coaches.

He gets off at his destination and takes a rickshaw for office; the rickshawala seems to be in a jolly mood too, “Sir so less traffic problems today, seems like they are no women drivers”, he chuckled.

He reaches office and sees that his gorgeous receptionist is replaced by a menacing looking guy, he casually asks,”Where is Rosaline?”.The guy gives him a glare and says, “Haven’t you seen the papers?All the female population of the planet mysteriously vanished last night!”

“Wow!I should have wished for a billion dollars too!”

He walks and sees that his sentiments are echoed by all male colleagues.

“Nobody nagged me while watching cricket last night!”

“Nobody forced me to wash the dishes after dinner.”

“I didn’t have to watch Saas-Bahu serials while having dinner”

“I don’t have to endure shopping anymore!”.

“We are all free from being human calendars and having to celebrate anniversaries of First Eye Contact, First Conversation, First Gifts exchanged bla bla bla”. So on and so forth they all went.

Ashray thought this was Diwali, Christmas, Id, New Year all rolled into one.

Two months later

Ashray walks into office. No receptionist. He drags himself towards his computer and reads the latest news, the headline ‘Manmohan Singh government resigns as there is no Sonia Gandhi to direct them!’

The next one reads, ’Architects and Sculptors in U.P on verge of starvation as no new parks and statues are being commissioned with Mayawati gone'

He browses to the next page, ’Thousands jobless as general entertainment channels like Colors, Star, Zee, Sony shut down due to lack of viewership. Male viewership of News channels hit too due to absence of female news anchors’

He hopes that the international news might be better but it isn’t so, ‘Fears of US going into recession due to shutting down of FMCG giants like Loreal, Maybelline etc as well as Apparel/Accessories manufacturing firms’

He shuts off his PC, thinks about the past few days, schools being closed due to lack of teachers, people falling ill due hygiene issues in absence of Bais, people not getting proper treatment at hospitals for lack of nurses.

“Dude you won’t believe this,Bobby Darling has become the highest paid female actress surpassing Rakhi Sawant(yeah,somehow she survived)”,yelled somebody in office.

He has had enough and decides to leave for home, he switches on the TV and sees a cop in Bandra telling a reporter how his livelihood has been affected as there are no more couples at Bandstand to extort money from,he flips channels and sees Anil Kapoor and Himesh Reshammiya doing a commercial for Veet Hair removing cream.

This was the cherry of shit on a cake of sand, the world just can’t be worth living without women.

He puts a noose around his neck and steps off the chair,feels a tug at his neck and somebody yells,”You lazy moron,don’t you have to go to work?!”

He opens his eyes and sees Nishita trying to shake him awake and just mutters to himself,”I am so sorry!World without women isn’t a dream, it’s a nightmare!”

Written as an entry for a short story competition at Accenture..fingers crossed! :D

Raja Decides To Bare It All..

Despite his recent arrest by the CBI, former Telecom Minister A.Raja is supposedly on a roll.

Reports suggest that Raja is going Full Monty for the next issue of KhelBaalak,the Indian edition of men's magazine Playboy.Apparently,Playboy owner Hugh Hefner has been paid $1.76 million for this travesty on human senses to take place.

Repeated efforts to get in touch with the ex-Minister failed to yield any efforts until yesterday when Mr.Raja's Secretary,Illaiya Nunnuswami called a press conference,"Respected Karunanidhi has advised Raja Anna not to hide anything from public anymore and hence he has decided to take this step inspite of protests by Kanhimozi and Human Rights activists."

On being mentioned that the advice was metaphorical and not to be taken literally,Mr.Nunnuswami lost his temper,"You Kundi journalists!Always have a problem.This just shows Mr.Raja's honest intent and courageous nature."

Anurodh Nakedani, a NANGU(Nation Against Nightmares Generated by Unclad) activist was anguished,"If there was such a huge furore when a gorgeous person like Madhu Sapre posed naked, imagine what will happen when Raja poses naked.A whole generation will be scarred.We won't allow this!"

Mr.Raja's decision to take this bold step has been bolstered by the fact that he has been approached by Yash Raj Films to replace Aamir Khan as the supposed villain in Dhoom 3.A source closed to Aditya Chopra told us,"Dhoom 3 had to be big.When we came to know that Mr.Raja had already done a robbery of Rs 1.76 lakh crore, we couldn't see anybody else in the role.He is a natural con-artist!".

According to a condition laid down by Mr.Raja, Ms.Kanhmozi is also supposed to feature in the movie,where she'll do a reprise of Aishwarya Rai's Dhoom 2 chartbuster item number 'Crazy Kiya Re'.

Mr.Raja has also recieved support from various Telecom Companies,Shahid Balwa, promoter of Swan Telecom,a co-accused in the 2G scam,told us exclusively,"Mr.Raja had the best interests of common people in his heart.Since the country is already suffering from an 8% plus inflation,he purposely sold the spectrum at a lower value so that Telecom operators don't have to pass their costs to the customers,the aam aadmi!He should be awarded Bharat Ratna for his novel idea! "

Though things seemed to be taking a turn for the better for Mr.Raja, some people aren't ready to forgive him.Shabana,the President of ChAI(Chakka Association of India) was clearly upset with Mr.Raja,"Earlier we approached people using our regular catchphrase,'Ae Raja paisa de re' and people obliged willingly; now people think we are calling them 'A Raja' and get angry,a couple of us got beaten up by a veteran Gandhian in Bandra yesterday".According to Shabana,a PIL will be soon filed against Mr.Raja for affecting their livelihood.

Clearly a case which will be more fun to read about.

Redemption..

6.00 p:m-Just Another Weekday

A futile day.Just like the whole week,the whole month,to be truthful,the past 5 years.

He chuckled to himself as he gathered his stuff and walked out into the world that despite having been cruel,was still his only refuge.

It was drizzling;it didn't bother him;there are far worse things and he smiled to himself and started humming:

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head,

Just like a guy,

Whose feet are too big for his bed

His feet guided themselves;hell,he could have walked blindfolded if was asked to.Habits could be that effective.

1106 steps and he was at his destination.The guard saluted him,he walked up a flight of stairs and opened the door.He was always grateful to find these familiar faces that had been his companions for the past 4 years,perhaps the only faces that had smiled at him in ages.

If misery is relative,so is happiness.In that sense,he felt happy and at this moment he couldn't ask for more.

He walked towards the corner and kept his stuff.He remembered the first time he was here.

It was another set of familiar faces,though much dearer ones.This memory was a ritual too.Thinking about them. Nidhi's carefree laughter, Aniket's mind-numbingly pathetic jokes, Meneka's constant fretting about anything she could lay her eyes on, Ranvir's boasting and above all,his own happiness.The day his first book got published.

He tried to put away those thoughts,afterall he had to live in the present.He himself had written,'Better be slayed fighting with the present than be a prisoner of your past'.How could he forget?!

But it was all lost now.Nidhi, friends,a promising writing career.Afterall,what was left to salvage?

And yet,he knew there was still a part of him that at times felt that he could make things right.The part that made him think of the memory.The part that still had faith in his abilities.The part that believed in redemptions.

As he was musing,Rakesh's face appeared next to him,"Sir,the usual?Old Monk and lime?"

He looked towards his writing journal,unused in the past 5 years and smiled.Whom was he trying to fool?There is no redemption for the damned.He nodded,"Yeah,a large one and keep topping it up till you shut down". He rested his head on the seat,imagined what his life could have been and waited for his drink the same way he had done for the last 4 years.